In All Honesty

As things now stand, you can go over to Ireland, break into a home and take what you like, because the homeowner is legally bound to run away. To me, that has the sound of a new business venture, a travel junket for antique fans.

With a new ruling from the courts yesterday, I'm convinced that this antique-ing expedition can work. You see, according to the Criminal Damage Act of 1991, you can get away with a crime if you honestly believe that your actions were meant to defend yourself or another, or if you were defending property belonging to yourself or another. That's why the five anti-war protestors got away with causing $2.5 million in damage to a Navy plane at Shannon airport. Protecting the Iraqi people, they said, and the judge bought their sincerity. Well, there's got to be plenty of valuable antiques that need protecting from over-zealous farm wives and their bottles of furniture polish. Time to liberate those hand-crafted pine dressers and elegant Regency tables.

We long to protect vulnerable pieces of furniture. How many bits of Belleek porcelain are in danger of being broken by clumsy owners? Is the Book of Kells not suffering from being locked away, isolated and confined? Time to liberate the treasures, and in all honesty, we believe that we are doing the right thing, within the confines of the law, to protect these endangered items.

And why stop there? The banks are full of money that will be used to oppress the vulnerable people of Ireland. Surely there's been a suicide or two over financial difficulties, and we will protect the depressed by eliminating the cash that is the source of their grief. There's no end to the good that we can do.

The trip will cost nothing, as we are within our rights to liberate a plane from Aer Lingus to ferry us on our mission of mercy. Honestly, isn't this plan justified?