After all the research I've done to further my publishing career, here comes a man who can show me how to do it. Sure and I've been doing it wrong all this time, since Blake Moody's taken it upon himself to share his knowledge with me, the result of seven hours of interviews with an unnamed publisher. Tell me more, Blake. What better way to flash your credentials than to not name names.
He found my online writer's profile, he says, so he's trolling the Writers Net waters. And he wants to help me make my next book a New York Times Best Seller. Pity I haven't written one, so I passed the info along to Cian. He's still laughing, so I'll have to finish the blog.
What does Blake want me to learn? Why, he'll be revealing some dirty little secrets that no one wants to tell me. Can't imagine what that might be. I already know about Bertie Ahern and Celia Larkin, acting like a married couple when Bertie's married to Cecilia's mammy. What other dirty little secrets would I need to know?
Once we get through the gossip, it's on to information on how your book idea becomes a published book. I thought it had something to do with getting an agent who sells it to a publisher, but I could be wrong. When is self-publishing an option, your man will reveal all. Blake, darling, you self-publish the family genealogy or that book of recipes that your twenty cousins want. It's pretty obvious.
He'll tell me how to get free publicity and a high-impact interview. Hold a knife to Oprah's throat and you'll be getting a high-impact interview with Chicago's finest. I presume he's got other ideas in mind. Beyond that, he'll show me how to use the Internet to sell more books. The concept does not work, but, don't want to rain on Blake's parade.
If I send Blake $188.88, and that's marked down from retail, I'll get ten information-packed CDs that will work miracles. Money back if not satisfied. Not money back if I don't become a best-selling author, mind you. But wait, there's more. If I order now, he'll send me four bonus gifts. That would comprise a couple of e-books, another tome called Journey to the Impossible, and a computer program that creates marketing plans. My heart's in a flutter, Blake.
Has any literary agent seen this pile of shite? What a coincidence that a blurb is pasted in the website from Esther Fedorkevich. Sorry, from who? Not listed with AAR, not listed with Agent Query, not showing up at Preditors & Editors. My, but she flies well below the radar. Or maybe she's Blake's auntie who hung out a shingle one day. "I'm a literary agent," she said, and Blake said, "Can I quote you?"
Blake Moody's business plan is simple, and is based entirely on the surety that a fool and his money are soon parted. Don't be a fool.
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