White Lab Coat Optional

New and Improved! Be the first one on your block to test the paternity of your children! Makes the perfect Christmas gift!

So you thought that only scientists could run DNA tests. Takes a head full of knowledge, years of education and experience with scientific instruments to determine paternity. How wrong you are.

For only $29.99, you can pick up a do-it-yourself Junior Scientist test kit. To get any results back, you'll have to pay an additional $119.99. Science does not come cheap.

Imagine the home-based business you could run. At PTA meetings, at the local, at soccer games or wherever parents congregate, a whispering campaign targeting fathers could generate untold of revenues. Little Taylor there doesn't look a bit like her father, you say, and by planting enough bugs in enough paternal heads, who knows how many men would ask you to be sure that the offspring they support are actually theirs.

Women have it easy. They know they're the mother and everyone knows they're the mother, but the father? Could be any sperm donor when you get right down to it. Nervous fathers across the land will be snapping up the kits and anxiously awaiting the news that their daughter is actually another man's.....son. There is always some inherent chance of sampling or clerical error, which could lead to some truly ugly divorce proceedings.

Determined to test the kids? You're also questioning your partner's honesty. Not exactly the best way to solidify a relationship.

Landscaping Improvements

Say you're visiting Dublin and you find that all that exercise has left you perspiring. You'd like to stop in at a pub for a cold pint, but at the risk of offending with your body odor, you move along down Cathal Brugha Street, dehydrated and spitting cotton.

If the Dublin City Council has their way, streets in the city could soon be sporting these lovely facilities. Perfect for the visitor who can't get back to their hotel room easily. More perfect for the homeless, who don't have a shower or indoor plumbing. Or an indoors, by definition.

As put forward by the homeless charity Trust, these self-contained little capsules could be funded in part via large advertising placards, as shown in the example to the right. Really adds to the over-all atmosphere of the street, doesn't it. So colorful. So golden arching.

It's been proposed that a small fee be charged, unless a person is so destitute that the small fee is out of reach and then they'd be given vouchers. A blast of water for fifteen minutes, and you're fresh as a spring daisy. Junkies would have to shoot up that much more quickly, given the time frame. Unless a workforce could be hired to monitor the showers, in which case the addicts would continue to make use of other public facilities now available.

Trust has suggested that these space capsule pods be placed near bus stops and near tourist attractions, under the assumption that the homeless would be panhandling among commuters and tourists, so they'd need their shower facilities close at hand.

And you, the over-heated tourist, can enjoy a public shower whenever the mood strikes. Keep some shower sandals at the ready. You wouldn't want to be stepping on all the used needles that the junkies will be dropping.

Another Agent Sent Packing

How long will it take April Eberhardt of the Andrea Brown Literary Agency to respond? Or is she one of those non-responders?

I sent a query three weeks ago, after discovering on the website that she is looking for the very sort of novel that I have written. How easy to personalize the query letter, to insert a short note that let her know I had read the website and was aware of her predilections and preferences.

Back to the website today, to see if there was any time schedule or the sad news that the agency is so swamped that they won't bother to reply if they aren't swept away by a magical query. So where is Ms. Eberhardt? She's not there any more.

The list of agents is missing one name.

I've done it yet again. My query frightened off another one. Here's my novel, says I, and she's out the door as fast as the wind.

The query was sent to her personal mailbox, so I'd guess that it won't be looked at by any other agent there. Cross another one off the list. Bid my time. There'll be a new victim coming up soon enough.

The Control Of Knowledge

This monument on the island of Okinawa must be a memorial to something that didn't happen, if we're to believe Shinzo Abe of Japan. The former Prime Minister was ready to delete all references to the event that gave rise to the Suicide Cliff Monument.

Kenzaburo Oe wrote a series of essays about Okinawa and what happened when the Japanese were on the verge of losing the island to American forces as World War II came to an end. The author said that surviving Japanese soldiers told him that the military went around and encouraged civilians to kill themselves rather than face capture.

Here's a grenade, the soldiers said, go blow yourself to bits. Otherwise the Yanks will rape and torture and murder you.

Mr. Oe became the defendant in a defamation suit that was filed by a former soldier, who claimed that none of that ever happened. The plaintiff had plenty of support from those who would like to deny that Japan ever committed a single atrocity. They'd like all references to mass suicides on Okinawa and the rape of Nanking to be erased from written records. Don't let the kids learn of it, and eventually it will all go away.

Sorry lads, said Judge Toshimasa Fukami. He ruled that there was plenty of evidence that Japanese soldiers passed out grenades like so much candy. The only places where civilians killed themselves en masse were villages that hosted Japanese troops. People who survived the invasion of Okinawa testified that their own military urged them to take their own lives. Mr. Oe is not guilty of defaming anyone. He told the truth.

Like most nations, Japan is open to outside influence and outside information flows in. A government can't control knowledge in such a situation. The evidence always rises to the top.

Guilty Again

They said that Dutchy Holland murdered Veronica Guerin. He, of course, denied it.

He was a career criminal who had served time for armed robbery when he was caught after holding up the Berkeley Court Hotel in Ballsbridge. He served time for possession of explosives and detonators. He served time for possession of cannabis. But he never served time for murder.

The Veronica Guerin case came up again when Dutchy was freed after doing his ten years on the possession charge. He denied it again.

Will he still claim that he's being persecuted of a crime he says he didn't commit when he goes back to court in England?

Mr. Holland has been nabbed in another crime. His scheme was quite elaborate, but still as stupid as could be.

The lovely Khan Coombs was supposed to get a job at a company and then lure the owner into a trap. Mr. Holland and his crew would then hold the man for ransom, a payout of ten million pounds sterling that would have gone a long way to making his existence more comfortable.

Brilliant plan, but what's a kidnapper to do when the sexy bait can't get the job?

Next thing he knows, the police are on to the plan and he's arrested for attempting a crime of huge proportion.

Dutchy's 68 years old now, and he won't have to worry about how to fund his retirement. Chances are, he'll be in prison for the rest of his life. He was never convicted of murdering Veronica Guerin, but he won't walk the streets again, and that's as much closure as the Guerin family can expect --- not perfect, but better than nothing.

Insulting Milwaukee

The cost of a plane ticket should be related to how much fuel it will take to get you to the destination, shouldn't it?

Not when you're looking to fly to some destination that is off the beaten path.

Anyone flying out of Des Moines, IA would be looking for a place to go that's not so dull and rural. The nearest big city is Chicago, therefore, the bean counters at the major airlines know that the average Iowan would pay well to get down off the farm to see the bright lights and tall buildings on the shores of Lake Michigan.

How much would it take to get that same Iowan to another backwater sort of place? After all, who in their right mind would travel to a place like Milwaukee, Wisconsin?

Want to go to Chicago? Save up your egg money, because a flight will set you back nearly $400, and that's flying on the cheap. Forced to go to Milwaukee to visit some ancient relation who might or might not keep you in the will? $240 and you're there.

The funny thing is, you'll fly into Chicago on your way to Milwaukee, and then you'll have to get on another plane for the last leg of the journey. You'll burn up more jet fuel, but you'll pay less money.

The citizens of Milwaukee are being insulted by this financial slight. If the tourism bureau was alert, they'd be trying to capitalize on this cost-saving feature to promote the inexpensive beauty of Wisconsin to the potential visitor who wants to go on vacation but is strapped for cash.

The Time-Share Scam

The post card will turn up in the day's mail and you'll give it a glance. Offers of free dinners, or better yet, an offer for a free trip to some warm, sunny place in the middle of winter.

Do you bite? Or do you take another look and realize that it's just a ruse. A promise of something fun hides the real reason for that offer being made.

You just know that if you eat that free meal or take that free trip, you're going to be made to sit in a room with a trained salesperson, and you will be subjected to some high-pressure sales pitch to buy a time share that no one wants.

Pity that some of our Congressmen aren't so well aware of the pitfalls of the free vacation offer. Jim McDermott of Washington fell for it, and he's looking the fool now.

Free vacation, all expenses paid, visit sunny Baghdad. Who could resist, when the weather at home is miserable and D.C. isn't known for its salubrious climate.

Off he went, with two colleagues, for the free trip. He asked the State Department if it was all right for him to go, and they laughed at his naivete before waving good-bye. Sure, go on, they said. Enjoy that badgering to sway your opinion. Have at it. Don't stay long, though. We'll be invading in a few months time.

Mr. McDermott and pals returned, only to begin singing the praises of Iraq. Don't go disarming those lovely people, the trio demanded. Don't try to get the rest of the world to unite against them.

Sure the sales force makes that time share look attractive so that you'll fall for their spiel. It takes someone with a drop of cynicism to ask what's in it for the seller before succumbing to the intoxicating aroma of shite and onions.

The Congressmen did nothing wrong, in the legal sense. They did, however, violate the rules of common sense. But then, if the high-pressure tactics didn't work, no one would ever buy a timeshare that no one wants, and we all know that those worthless deals are made all the time.

Taking The Poor Taste Prize

Ireland's biggest bookmaker is famous for their advertising. This particular poster has won the prize for number of public complaints. Vulgar, rude, distasteful, and yes, offensive to everyone who's breathing.

But it's only to promote on-line bingo says Paddy Power.

Exercise more restraint in future, says the Advertising Standards Authority.

Will Paddy Power change their ways, or will they find something even worse to get all the attention again? What are the odds?

In Support Of Recycled Paper

Save a tree is the new cry among literary agents.

Kristin Nelson is very emphatic about it. Under no circumstances should anyone send her a query on a piece of dead tree. She will no longer open the envelope to return your self-addressed envelope. If you want to pitch your manuscript to her, it will be via e-mail or not at all.

Jeff Kleinman at Folio Lit would like you to inquire via e-mail if you please. He'll get back to you sooner, in fact, and that's one of the best incentives he could offer the potential client. Just a bunch of electrons needed. No trees will be harmed in the making of your query.

For a time, the agents at The Aaron M. Priest Literary Agency would not respond to your paper query if they were not interested in your manuscript. That saved them the trouble of printing up reams of rejection letters, at the cost of half a forest. Now they've moved on and have switched to e-mail as well.

Something new is on the horizon, like a vast wave of agents who have been swamped with easy to shoot out en masse queries. Thinking of querying Barbara Braun? Put down your Internet connection. Go buy a stamp.

In a reversal of previous policy, Ms. Braun will no longer accept e-mail queries. You have to type up your letter, print out your synopsis and sample chapters, and put the lot into a large envelope. Then you drop it in the post box, go home, and wait. That's how it was done before. It's how she's doing it again.

When you have to put money and effort into the submission process, you won't be so quick to fire off a mass mailing of queries. For an agent with an overflowing inbox, that could mean a reduction in poorly written and poorly targeted queries blasted out by a service. Ms. Braun must be hoping to put an end to the bombardment.

What of the poor, defenseless trees that must be pulped to make the paper? By using recycled paper products, you encourage the industry to recycle even more. That's another way to save a tree and save a literary agent's eyesight.

Making And Keeping Appointments

"Burglar," he said. "Just here to rob the place."

"Do you have an appointment?" they asked.

"I've got a gun," he said.

"Yes, but do you have an appointment? You have to make an appointment to see the manager. We don't have any money on hand and he's the only one to get into the safe. He's never in this early. Can we pencil you in for, oh, let's say, in four hours?"

"I'm a busy man," he continued. "Here's the number of my mobile phone. You call me when he gets in, or I'll come back this afternoon and blow you all away."

"Absolutely, sir," they said. "We'll be more than happy to call you. Around noon, then?"

The burglar left, to burgle another premises as that was his full time occupation. The employees of the transmission shop on Chicago's northwest side phoned the police, to report on the attempted armed robbery, and to let the officers know that they were bound on oath to ring up the burglar. Rather than let the men go back on their word, the police encouraged them to phone the burglar and ask him back to conclude his business.

"Surprise!" said the employees when the burglar returned. "We invited the police to your little burglary party. Hope you don't mind."

The guest of honor took offense at the presence of armed police officers when he was planning a more intimate gathering. Rather than be a gracious guest, he pointed a weapon at a plainclothes policeman. The would-be burglar, Ruben Zarate, is now in hospital, recovering from a gunshot wound to his leg.

Face it, if he wasn't a complete eejit he wouldn't be robbing transmission shops to earn his keep, would he?

Standing On Common Ground

In Commons, David Trimble pitched a fit because he believed that Prime Minister Gordon Brown was ignoring Northern Ireland. They're as British as any other member of the United Kingdom, Mr. Trimble would like the Prime Minister to know, and just because half the population of the Six Counties don't think they're the least bit British shouldn't figure into the equation.

The DUP is still angry with Ian Paisley for going into government with the Shinners and the rest of the nationalist-leaning politicians. How can a man be staunchly pro-Union and even think of speaking to someone who has the audacity to hold an Irish passport while residing in Northern Ireland? And now Gordon Brown is shuttling Northern Ireland off to one side?

To listen to Peter Robinson, heir apparent to Ian Paisley, one would think that Mr. Brown considered the sacrosanct union to consist entirely of England, Wales and Scotland. Is there no common ground for the unionist of Northern Ireland to share with their beloved masters on the island to the east?

The common ground is right under their noses, and Mr. Paisley knows exactly where all communities are joined. He's riding the Free Presbyterian mission bus into the Republic of Ireland this summer, bringing some of that common ground with him.

It's not about being British. It's about sin. Whether nationalist or unionist, you're all sinners. There's your common ground. That's why Mr. Paisley was able to come to terms with Gerry Adams. We're all just sinners, even though some are Shinners.

Happy Face, Sad Face, Climate Change

How to get the average idiot to decrease their carbon footprint? That's the question that University of Chicago researchers hashed out. Cass Sunstein and Richard Thaler even went so far as to make a book, Nudge, to give us all guidelines to follow.

Folks in Chicago are aware of the dangers of global warming. They're living through one of the worst winters in years, which certainly proves to them how hot the planet is getting. It doesn't help the carbon footprint folks, especially when this year's temperatures are included in the average and the world's temperature comes out unchanged.

The duo of Sunstein and Thaler have discovered that people care very much about what their neighbors think, in a bid to keep up. Therefore, if you believed that you used more electricity than your mate on the other side of the fence, you'd be so ashamed that you'd cut your own use.

And what might reinforce your desire to be like others? A smiley face on your electric bill. Charming, isn't it? When you use less power, you get a smiley face. Too much juice, and that smile turns upside down into a sad frown. Wouldn't want that, would you? The postman would see it through the thin envelope and all the neighborhood would be talking about you, the carbon spewer.

You can presume that Sunstein and Thaler have never paid a utility bill, or they would have noticed that the people of the Chicago area were recently punished for cutting back on their natural gas usage. While folks in the Windy City suffered through a blisteringly cold, snowy winter, they shivered in their homes with the thermostats scaled back.

In return, the suits at People's Gas decreed that all this conservation was costing them money. How could they face the shareholders and tell them that people were using less gas so there would be a minuscule dividend issued? It's the global warming, they cried, and hotter weather and people not using much natural gas to heat homes.

Reduce your carbon footprint, think that you're saving a bit of money on your heating bill, and someone will find a way to make you pay more for using less. So you're out of pocket to a greater degree, due to a claim of global warming, and the winter's dragging on.

If it isn't one scam, it's another.

It's All The Non-Catholics

Before the migrants migrated in, just about everyone in Ireland was Catholic.

No one minded that the Church ran all the schools, while taxpayers covered the costs. There was no diversity, so who cared that primary education was so decidedly non-secular? All the children needed religious training anyway, and if they had catechism lessons as part of their daily routine, things were running smoothly.

In came the others. All those non-Catholics, trying to get their children into Dublin schools that were already getting crowded. There are only about 200 primary schools that aren't Catholic, and that doesn't allow for a large student population.

There are plans to cut back on the Church's influence in the schools. The Archbishop of Dublin is not entirely against the idea, either.

A school here and there, should the parents wish, could be handed over to some other groups. Educate Together, which is a rainbow coalition of religions, might be interested in adding to their stable of schools. No need for catechism in such a place, and that would make it perfect for those who do not want a traditional Catholic education for their child.

The problem is, there's a move on to cut back on spending at all levels. Revenue is down as the Celtic Tiger slows to a crawl. If the Church no longer stands as a school's patron, with financial help from the collection plate, where is the money to come from?

As things now stand, some schools hold fundraisers to scrape up the cash for electricity and heat. Special needs aren't being met everywhere because there's not enough money to go around. Ireland has long been at the bottom of the league tables when it comes to financing education, and things can only get worse.

The Church might not be doing the best job at including all in the education system, but the old system produced the highly educated, computer savvy workforce that keeps the economy moving. Pity that the New Testament has to get in the way.

Personal Issues

Do you turn a blind eye when your boss orders you to cover up his immoral activity? Or do you turn him in?

Kwame Kilpatrick's security force was put into action when he was cheating on his wife. A couple of the boys in blue took a look at the allegation that mayoral security was securing a secret tryst, and for that, they got fired.

The officers filed suit, claiming that they were sacked because they were running a legitimate investigation. It's illegal for a sitting mayor to manipulate his taxpayer-financed security force. They get paid to protect his body, not his reputation. Examining an illegal activity is not grounds for termination, and the city of Detroit agreed. The settlement was somewhere in the vicinity of $8 million.

There was no romance, insisted Mr. Kilpatrick. It's a lie, claimed his chief of staff, Christine Beatty. Under oath, they both swore they weren't having an affair.

What of the text message from him to her? "I'm madly in love with you" isn't exactly a request with any sort of business relationship. "I am madly in love with you, too" is not what one expects to hear from a chief of staff addressing His Honor the Mayor.

Pity that the mayor signed off on the settlement with an eye to keeping the text messages out of the public eye. Wouldn't you know that the public got wind of them anyway, and now all of Detroit knows about the affair. And about Mr. Kipatrick's whopping great lie.

Kwame Kilpatrick has now been charged with perjury, obstruction of justice and official misconduct. He would have been ahead of the game if he'd just admitted to the wife that he had strayed. Sure it's a tangled web that he wove, deceiving one and all, only to get caught by his own words.

A Lack Of Confidence

When he was Minister of Finance, Bertie Ahern warned the Irish people in a manner so subtle that it went unnoticed until now. He had no faith whatsoever in the Irish pound. Why else would his salary as minister be paid out in sterling?

Evidence given to the Mahon Tribunal indicated that some of Mr. Ahern's lodgements to a building society account were, in part, his paychecks. He would hand the checks over to his secretary and she would make the deposits for him. Sometimes she cashed the checks. Sometimes she put money into accounts for the Ahern daughters.

The branch manager recently testified that the very same teller who handled the Ahern deposit was also handling a sterling exchange immediately before. That would suggest that Mr. Ahern's checks or cash or what have you were pounds sterling, which had to be exchanged for Irish pounds before the transaction could be finalized.

An Taoiseach has hinted that he will address this unusual turn of events in the coming weeks, perhaps not waiting until his return to the Mahon Tribunal in May.

Will he dare to admit what is becoming more and more evident -- that he had such little confidence in Irish finance that he had to be paid in British pounds? Was he ready to shoot across the border in the event that the entire Irish economy collapsed in 1994? What other explanation could there possibly be?

Skepticism Hits The Bottom Line

Find a niche and fill it. That's the axiom for success in business. Create a new product or service that tackles a problem. Or, invent something that no one needs at all, and convince them that they do need it. Result? Massive profits.

With that in mind, a group of entrepreneurs met in the British Virgin Islands for a brainstorming session that was meant to inject some fresh ideas into their myriad ventures.

How can a bunch of corporate types convince you, the general public, that man-made global warming not only exists, but that it's critical to act now. They have investments to protect, and if people don't start jumping more forcefully on the band wagon, the businessmen are going to lose.

Larry Page, of Google fame, has put his savings into the Green Power revolution. That means he has to get us all to use biofuels, even if they cost us more. We pay higher prices for green fuels and he makes money off of it. Can you not cooperate?

Richard Stromback, who heads Ecology Coatings, has been involved in organizing these discussion sessions. He's found his niche in clean technology, so he's determined to make us believe that there's a need for his products.

Richard Branson has sunk millions into biofueled planes. If he can't make you believe that you should pay a premium to his company, his bottom line takes a hit. The same goes for Vinod Khosla, who has invested heavily in ethanol production technology. There's big money riding on their ability to promote man-made global warming as a reality.

Tell people often enough that a computer-generated prognostication is as good as fact and they'll run to their governments and demand that Green Power be harnessed --- at a profit to Mr. Branson and his mates. Just don't tell people that computer generated predictions are a case of Garbage In, Garbage Out. Don't tell the folks at home about the variables that are left out of the calculations because the system is too complex. That's very bad for business.

The Cost Of Corruption Adjustment

The Board of Trustees for the University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign will meet on Wednesday to discuss tuition.

A proposal will be on the table to raise tuition. yet again. It would be a miracle if they voted the issue down.

The trustees would very much like us all to think of this State school as a quasi-private institution. It's Ivy League quality without leaving the Midwest. It's a prestigious university, and if they say it often enough, surely someone will believe it.

A prestigious institution requires a prestigious level of tuition, so if you want to attend UIUC, be prepared to come up with $9200 dollars per year, plus another $8K for a place to lay your weary head. That's a jump of 9.5 percent over this year, and you know that the cost of living hasn't climbed anywhere near that much in the last twelve months.

In a Chicago court room, Stuart Levine has been explaining how the fix was put in by his pal and handler, Tony Rezko. Shake-downs and bribes were paid for business, and those who were shaken down or bribed just passed the cost on to the State of Illinois.

Every student enrolled at UIUC is paying a portion of the graft. When the State has to pay a premium for ordinary expenses, someone has to cover the difference. There's only so much tax money to go around, and the university system comes up short. So what? Let the students make up the difference, while Rod Blagojevich's and Barack Obama's campaign chests are stuffed to overflowing with the profits of racketeering.

Thinking of sending a donation to a presidential candidate? If you're paying tuition at UIUC, you already have...in a roundabout way.

A Case of Poor Timing

When I queried Faye Bender, I had forgotten that she's probably quite preoccupied these days. She was the agent in the middle of a phony memoir debacle, and the dust has yet to settle.

No wonder then that I got the form rejection within a couple of days.

She's only taking on things selectively, and anything that mentions the word "memoir" is not to be part of the selection process.

My manuscript is pure fiction, and I said so up front, but I used historical data to flesh out the story's bones and wasn't I foolish to mention memoirs as a source document.

Sorry. I'll go back to the agent search and find someone with a quieter office.

Random House Has Reservations

What could be better for the spring reading season than gossip? Juicy, juicy gossip, about the stars and the wealthy and those who thought that they were assured of some privacy.

Abigail Hart and Nancy Joyce Callahan once worked the concierge desk at Chicago's elite Four Seasons Hotel. What stories they accumulated over the years. The rich and the famous were their clients, all people who could ask for whatever and expect to get it because they could afford it.

The ladies penned a tell-all book, to put their many memories in print for all to share. The manuscript was sold to Random House, and the publisher was fully prepared to lay down the book on April 22. Reviewers had their review copies so that the publicity machine could be revved up into high gear. You can imagine how thrilled the authors must have been, to be riding this wave of literary promotion.

It has all come crashing down.

Random House pulled the plug on Great Reservations. Ms. Hart and Ms. Callahan assured their publisher that they had legal opinions on their side. It seems that they had signed confidentiality agreements when they were hired by The Four Seasons, and they did not believe that they were in violation of their contract. The Four Seasons felt otherwise. The hotel must have had a more convincing argument, because the tell-all won't be telling anything anymore.

Some of their anecdotes are floating about on the Internet, gleaned from ARCs sent out earlier. If you're the sort who wanted to read about Demi Moore falling for a panhandler claiming he ran out of gas, then you'll sorely miss what might have been.

As for the book's authors, will they sorely miss their advance? After all, the book's been killed. Do they have to return the money?

Sending The Book On Tour

Is it a book tour if only the book is traveling the globe?

Sebastian Horsley has been deported, although his so-called memoir was allowed entry from the U.K. The self-proclaimed dandy was going to hawk his book from sea to shining sea, but Homeland Security thought better of it. He's been told to go back to England and it's a pity that he's missed his own book launch party but life's a bitch, ain't it.

Given the current hysteria over artificially contrived memoirs, Mr. Horsley has not been forthcoming when asked how real his written word might be. He's a dandy, you see, someone who exists to attend parties and amuse the guests with outrageous tales. He's not holding up the bar at the local. His memoir is in the same vein: an amusement that may or may not be accurate. As long as the book sells, why should he care?

His book details wild excesses of drug abuse and purchased sex. One must presume that Mr. Horsley was not much of a romantic, as one might expect of a classical dandy. Beau Brummel is in the past, as is the art of seduction. Mr. Horsley had to shell out thousands of pounds for thousands of prostitutes, all in his quest to go over the top.

Authorities at Newark Airport were aware of the author's fondness for drugs and whores. Taking his memoirs as fact, they applied the "moral turpitude" label to the man and denied him entry.

The party went on without the guest of honor, who had a long flight ahead of him. Publisher Carrie Kania was so moved by Mr. Horsley's prose that she was determined to carry on. We must all read this shite, it's so very important, and no, Harper Perennial didn't fact check the manuscript.

Isn't this just what the book-buying public is clamoring for?