My Sweet

Do you think it's sugar, that powdery fluff in the yellow packets, nesting happily on the restaurant table? Do you think of it as artificial sweetener, free of calories, or do you think of it as sugar converted through chemical miracles into a calorie-free substance?

The makers of Equal are of the mind that you, the consumer, are taken in completely by Splenda's marketing campaign. Made from sugar, the ad line goes, so the gullible sugar-craver flocks to buy the competitor's product. They've been led down the garden path, Equal argues, the poor unfortunate puchaser, and Splenda must be made to stop.

Equal was once the top seller in the artificial sweetener market, after saccharin and cyclamates came under closer scrutiny and the fear of cancer was spread on thickly. Then along came a rival and sat down beside her and took all the customers away. Equal would have the courts believe that Splenda's claim to being made from sugar would indicate that sugar is its main ingredient, when there's not a glucose molecule in it at all. Hence, the accusation of false and misleading advertising. The chairman of Merisant, maker of Equal, argues that Splenda's soaring sales, and Equal's decline, are due entirely to this false notion that is created in the consumer's mind.

I remember when Equal was first introduced. Actually, I had a friend who worked in one of the labs where Equal was tested before being introduced, so I guess I was there when it was a mere babe of a product. Aware of the questionable scientific practices that surrounded the lab work, I gave the stuff a try anyway. Risking brain lesions, I sipped on a soft drink that warned phenylketonurics to stay away, and promptly noticed that the stuff tasted bitter. Not sweet at all, just flat and bitter. Tried a different flavor of pop, same lack of sweet taste. And then I developed head aches that made my eyes cross, and I'm not prone to headaches. My experiment had run its course, and I never touched Equal again.

Along came Splenda, and I gave it a try. Sweet Jesus, it's like eating a sugar cane it's so feckin' sweet. I know full well it's made in a laboratory, that there's no natural anything in it. I wouldn't use the stuff because some ad guy told me it was made from sugar. I'd use it because it tastes sweet, which would seem to be the point of an artificial sweetener.

The makers of Equal don't want to admit that someone has a superior product, and that's why their sales are falling and likely to sink even further. They're fighting for their bottom line right now, using ridiculous excuses to knock a peg or two out from under Splenda, but the market is speaking and it's saying your product is shite. Splenda is cheating, Merisant whines, but the real issue is the taste of Equal versus the taste of Splenda, and the yellow-jacketed chemicals tickle the right taste buds.

Which one will I buy? Neither, actually, since I put my faith in nature and abandon the chemists to their test tubes. Real sugar, real butter, all in moderation. And who wouldn't prefer a pint over a glass of fizzy colored water? It's an easy decision.