Robbery 101

First off, you want to choose a quiet location, somewhere out of the way but not too far from your base of operations. Let's use the An Post office on the North Strand in Dublin as an example. For the purpose of education, we shall also assume that you are in inner city resident.

You can't very well operate on your own. No, no, much too difficult to be robber, driver and look out. With that in mind, you would call on a couple of trusted friends to help, at an appropriate level of reimbursement. Traditionally, it's a third of the haul for each, and it's best not to get greedy and take more for yourself, even if you're doing all the homework for the team.

So there you are, with your crew in place. You then drive to the home of the postmistress, who is no doubt old and slow of step. When she comes home at, oh, say, six p.m., you bundle her into your van. Did we miss a step? I did mention that you would need a van, didn't I? At any rate, it would be best if it were a stolen van so that the gardai could not trace it back to you. One more thing. Make sure the van is working properly. An entire family of hostages got away because a van broke down on the motorway, and you'll not pass the course by making such serious mistakes.

Our next step is to disorient our postmistress by driving around County Dublin. When you get tired of driving, you could pull into a car park in Monkstown for a rest. This is an overnight operation, after all, and you want to be bright-eyed and alert come sunrise.

You and one of your gang will then go off to scout out the An Post office, leaving one man to guard the hostage. Don't forget the hostage's keys to the building, so that you can enter without attracting undue attention. Now, here's the important part. Make sure that your hostage minder is not a heroin addict who has packed his supplies and intends to shoot up. Failure to see to this step will lead to the same sort of difficulty that a gang of raiders experienced yesterday.

Mr. Junkie was experiencing the bliss of his high when the postmistress escaped from the van. A man can't very well keep an eye on a hostage when he's nodding off, now, can he? The poor hostage made straight for the Monkstown gardai, who threw a cordon around the post office in case the burglars tried to get in. They went looking for the third man in the van, but he had come off his high by then and managed to run off. Chances are, he found his two colleagues and warned them that the deal was off, since no one turned up at the post office and all three robbers disappeared.

Today, the gardai are busy examining all the different locations, and they are giving the burglars a failing grade. All that work, of stealing a van, kidnapping the postmistress, to say nothing of the expense of petrol to drive around Dublin half the night, have all gone to naught. So remember, students, if you wish to burgle, you'd be wise to select your friends carefully.

Tehnorati tag: stupid criminals