101 Baby Names

What shall we name the baby? Emily if it's a girl? How about Liam for a son?

Immortality rests within the tiny body of your offspring. You want to saddle that child with some worthy appellation, a name that has meaning. Proper meaning, not something like Shithead (pronounced shi - tade, accent on the final syllable) or Lemonjello (pronounced le-man - zello, accent on the middle syllable. Yes, these are real names. Haven't you read Freakonomics yet?)

Since the little woman did all the work, you take her suggestions very seriously. You discuss things, such as family traditions in naming, or some particular name that you're quite fond of. After all, you're the one standing on the side of the pitch during the hurling match, screaming at your boy. You want something really powerful to yell, to impress the other dads around you.

These are all just so many dreams for one unnamed father. He has his notions of a fitting name for the new baby, but the mother has her own ideas, and she's planning to go down to the Superintendent Registrar and make it official. What's a man to do besides go to court?

His complaint is that the law requiring a parent to register a child's birth within three months is not valid. Why, you ask, is this law not valid? Because the law does not oblige the father to register the details. Insert unmarried in there, before father. Yes, you have it. The man didn't bother to marry his partner, she's had it with him, and now he's pulling the old power play. What about my rights? he trumpets. Sure, he never got around to the marriage bit, and now the new mother has every intention of leaving the country as soon as a passport comes through for the new baby, but, what about his rights?

She wants to use his late mother's name for the baby's middle name, and new dad is incensed. Doesn't want that at all. As for the first name, well, he doesn't like it. He's more than a little outraged that the former partner has no regard for his wishes in the naming process. No regard whatsoever. But he has every intention of being a supporting father, loving and attentive. Did he not hear the part about the mother going away as soon as possible?

Expect the court case to drag on, with some father's rights groups offering advice and the women's rights groups countering. The new father has all the earmarks of a control freak, and the new mother acts like a woman trying very hard to get the loser out of her life forever. Pity she had to wait until the child was caught in the middle. That little bundle of immortality is a tie that binds, and she may never be rid of the father or his determination to have his way.