Write What You Know: Erotica

Admit it.

You got your first look at E.L. James and thought, She's writing erotic fiction? This housewife-y creature? What does she know about pornography?

Good fiction is all about writing what you know, and sure Ms. James could have done hours of research, but for really good porn, wouldn't you trust an author who knows a thing or two about the subject?

Little wonder that Beth de Guzman at Grand Central Publishing snagged a novel in a pre-empt. For those left hungry for more after consuming the complete "Fifty Shades" trilogy, they'll be ready for a pornographic feast and that means big sales...and big profits.

Porn star Sasha Grey will soon shine as a literary light.

The star of Butt Sex Bonanza and I Wanna Bang Your Sister has penned a novel that she says will bring the erotic novel back to its origins. It's to be all about female sexuality as a mysterious force, all sensuality.

The Juliette Society is sure to be highly anticipated by those who question the bondage themes that were made popular by E. L. James, in which the female is weak but willing.

Ms. Grey's protagonist will be a strong woman. So are we to expect more of a dominatrix type? Whips and chains, but the male half of the relationship getting tied up? We'll just have to wait for the first excerpts to be leaked to find out.

With her many experiences in porn to draw from, Ms. Grey had plenty of varied material (to say nothing of varied sexual positions) to flesh out her imaginary characters. As an actress, she's used to the world of pretend, which is not to say that her female characters are going to fake anything. Her flights of literary fancy will be influenced by her experiences as an actress on a stage set, in which reality is what lighting and stage sets make it to be.

And the best part of all?

E-books are discrete, no covers to tip off your seatmate on the train that you're delving into pornography rather than Saul Bellow. While the hard copy (no pun intended, no Viagra jokes please) might not be a runaway best seller, the digital version could outstrip Ms. James' sales figures.

For now, sex is selling as a mainstream commodity. Whether the book-buying public will still be interested, or will have grown jaded, is a gamble that the publisher is making. They might want to push publication forward, to catch the wave before it breaks up on the shore.

Not Sized For Airbus Landings

Smartphones have replaced the old-fashioned map with satellite images and GPS and that voice that tells you to bear left or continue.

You don't actually know where you're going, do you? You just listen to the machine tell you which way to turn and then you're there.

Usually.

If you happen to be flying across Ireland and ask Siri to find you the nearest airport, she'll steer you wrong. You'd realize that as your undercarriage clipped the trees and mowed down the flock of sheep.

There is a slight error in Apple's new map feature which shows the limits of translating English into computer-speak.

Airfield in County Dublin is not, as it turns out, a place to land airplanes. Even though it shows up on Apple's map as such. There's an airplane icon and everything.

If you did happen to put down at Airfield, you'd find yourself wandering a working farm that is quite close to Dublin City. Bring the kiddies, by all means. They'd enjoy discovering where their food comes from or where the wool for their jumper originated.

But it honestly is not a branch of Dublin Airport, nor has Shannon Airport migrated to be closer to the shops in Dundrum. 

Minister for Justice Alan Shatter, who's generally busy dragging his feet when it comes to investigating the Magdalene laundries, notified Apple of the error with all due haste. He should know if there's an airport there or not. Airfield is in his constituency, after all.

It's all well and good to make use of electronic mapping. Unfortunately, we're losing the ability to read a proper map, and our helpful gadgets don't always perform as expected.

And airports get placed where they do not exist.

Mommy Porn Is Selling

If you're not finding much luck in landing that big publishing contract, maybe you need more bondage in your manuscript.

Over at Penguin, in their Berkley Books Division, they've just signed Maya Banks to a contract so fat it's obese. Seven figures, a deal whipped into shape by Trident Media's Kimberly Whalen, and all the author must do is deliver three books of mommy porn.

It's fifty shades of bondage these days as publishers seek the blockbuster novel that will prove profitable.

Following the success of E.L. James, Penguin thinks they can ride the wave, but their author is an established writer with a following, although there's no telling how many of Ms. Banks' readers are into that sort of thing.

If you write romance, it's time to rethink your male character, and as for that whole notion of a strong female protagonist? Forget it. That's old school.

Women want to be dominated. They want to be tied up, they want pain. Well, not real pain. In mommy porn, no one gets hurt and has to go to the hospital.

Which is a good thing, because when someone shows up at the ER with a vibrator stuck in their sigmoid colon, that radiation technologist who seems all concerned is laughing at the patient, and will then share the story with people like me over drinks on a Friday night.

Then there was the guy with the vacuum cleaner hose....I should collect all those stories and put together a series of mommy porn! But under a pseudonym. You wouldn't want your mother to know you'd written something so dirty.

Free Speech, Free Market

If a product is not available in one market, but can be found in another nearby, you can bet that the merchant in question will make that product available.

And so, the Irish Daily Star published photos of England's future queen en deshabille. Very much deshabille-ed, in that the Duchess of Cambridge was sunbathing without her bikini top.

Pictures that the British press refused to publish, after a French gossip rag had already done so, made the photos that much more valuable. Plenty of prurient interest exists in England, and not being able to see something scandalous made some people want to see the snapshots all the more.

A decision made at the lower levels of Irish Daily Star authority was based on financial considerations. Hey look we've got those photos! Buy our paper! It's not far from your British eyes, just across the Irish Sea!

The British owners of the Dundrum-based sheet were never consulted as to whether the pictures should have been run. Neither was Denis O'Brien of INM, which jointly owns the Irish version of the Daily Star with Northern & Shell.

Michael O'Kane, editor of the Irish Daily Star, (the website is dark and cold these days) could have been stopped, but none of his superiors was listening to RTE news on Friday afternoon when he announced his intention to publish the pictures. He didn't see any reason not to. The Irish aren't part of the United Kingdom, now, are they? Kate isn't in line to be the Queen of the Irish any time soon, right?

Northern & Shell has threatened to close the Irish Daily Star, while INM insists such a reaction is excessive.

But can the tabloid survive an avalanche of official inquiries?

It's a fare bet that Mr. O'Kane will be looking for employment elsewhere in the near future. His decision to publish the pictures relies on a loophole in the code of conduct for Irish journalists, but who would agree that reproducing half-naked pictures of the Duchess of Cambridge on holiday is in the public interest?

THE O'Brien Wants The Pictures Back

It takes some doing for an Irishman to maintain his family's title and lands for centuries.

Despite all the wars and troubles and Cromwell's best-laid plans, Conor O'Brien is a baron yet, the eighteenth Baron Inchiquin to be exact.

And he'd like his family's portraits back, if it's not too much trouble.

THE O'Brien, head of the clan, no longer presides over his holdings from Dromoland Castle. That was sold to an American billionaire back in the 1960's. It's a hotel these days, and a very popular venue for weddings. If you want to experience the accommodations of Irish peerage, you have only to make a reservation.

To better dress up the hallways of the castle, Mr. O'Brien (or His Lordship, if he prefers) donated several family portraits that depict his notable ancestors.

The portraits are valued upwards of a couple of million euro, and what you see on the walls of Dromoland Castle are all originals.

Those who operate the place haven't been maintaining those valuable paintings, in Mr. O'Brien's opinion, and he went about taking them back.

He says he arrived with a specialty removal firm in the middle of the night to limit disruption to the guests. Mark Nolan, the hotel's general manager, feels that the baron arrived like a thief in the night to abscond with his own property that he shouldn't have been taking.

The matter is in the hands of the High Court, which will have to determine if His Lordship had the right to remove the paintings without providing the hotel with copies to replace the gaps in the gallery.

Baron Inchiquin, THE O'Brien, not just any old O'Brien, claims that he terminated the loan. He has a family member interested in purchasing them, to bring him some cash but keep the heirlooms in the family.

The hotel wants and needs copies because they're selling Inchiquin-ness at their five-star lodging, and without all those images of former barons staring down at the guests, it isn't the same.

Hard to argue with THE O'Brien, especially if the judge hearing the case is a member of the clan. He'd have to defer to the clan's king, you see, which would not make Mr. Nolan particularly pleased.

You'd have to imagine that the hotel is going to lose this round. The O'Briens didn't hang on to their title and land for centuries by backing down, and they've faced worse than a lawsuit over the years.

Stepping Out Of The Time Machine

In publishing, it often comes down to timing.

You might have a brilliant manuscript, but if the publisher just bought something similar, you're too late. And unpublished.

There is an entire industry within publishing that exists to crank out books in response to current events. When news happens, the market for books related to that news are hot sellers. After the fact, you're too late.

That woman who President Bill Clinton did not have sexual relations with, Ms. Lewinsky, is said to be making the rounds of the major publishers. She has a book to sell, or so goes the rumour.

To date, and it's been a lot of dates fallen behind us since the blue dress scandal, she hasn't spoken about her affair with then President Clinton.

Was it more than an encounter or two in the Oval Office?

People wanted to know back in 1998, but does anyone much care in 2012?

That's what will determine whether or not a publisher makes an offer or politely shows her the door.

Will the public buy the book in numbers sufficient to meet the advance, and what might be the size of an advance that could be covered by predicted sales? If the manuscript were on offer in 1999, it would have been an astronomical figure. Over a decade later, with Mr. Clinton's good works in Haiti now part of current events, the story is worth less.

Even tales of Washington-behind-the-scenes would be dated. A few years after the impeachment proceedings that brought us the stained dress saga, Ms. Lewinsky went off to London to study economics, and her knowledge of capital city politics is stale.

What would drive readers to hop into the time machine and turn back the clock to the Clinton administration? If there is something in Ms. Lewinsky's manuscript that would be compelling today, she can make a sale.

Otherwise, a minor player in publishing will offer her a small advance and throw the book out there, hoping for the best.

And it won't have anything to do with the quality of the writing. It will be all about the subject matter, and whether or not a publisher finds it relevant to today's book buyer.

Embracing Religious Liberty In A Uniform Manner

There was the case of the South African oranges, back in the time of apartheid. The checkers at Dunnes Stores in Ireland wouldn't check them out, and discouraged the customers from buying. A boycott was on, to urge South Africa to recognize the rights of the black population.

One thing led to another, the checkers went on strike, and eventually Dunnes Stores stopped carrying South African oranges.

Now the iconic Irish shop has a new problem, but religious freedom is a far more sensitive issue than buying fruit.

The average Dunnes Stores employee is accustomed to wearing a uniform. It's required of schoolchildren, and when you've spent your formative years in the same outfit, day in and day out, wearing a uniform at work isn't much different.

Loreta Tavoraite didn't grow up in Ireland, but in Lithuania, so the whole uniform business is probably new to her.

She didn't grow up as a Muslim, either, so wearing a hijab is also a novelty.

Here's where the cultures clash. Ms. Tavoraite insists that she must wear the hijab because now she's embraced Islam, but there's no hijab in the Dunnes Stores uniform. Dunnes Stores told her she had to stick with the required apparel, she didn't go along with the program, and was not allowed on the shop floor.

Out of uniform, you see. Everyone working at Dunnes Stores must look alike. How else will the customers know who to approach if they need assistance?

Well, there she was, unable to work because she wasn't in uniform. So by not working, she lost her job.

What else does anyone do, with the entire world influenced by American culture and their Bill of Rights?

Ms. Tavoraite has sued for unlawful termination. It isn't her fault that she switched religions in mid-stream. It's the fault of Dunnes Stores for not recognizing her religious dictates.

That's the problem with this global economy we live in. Everyone seems to think that they have rights in Europe that are in reality an American invention.

Dunnes Stores is against introducing changes to their clothing code because it will open the door to apparel chaos. The next thing you know, the Wiccans will be making their demands, and who knows what the Santerians will be asking for. It simply won't do.

In all likelihood, someone will come up with a hijab that will be added to the acceptable uniform, perhaps a headscarf that is color coordinated to the already regulated blouse.

Then someone else will show up with a Bible and commence to proselytize. It's a requirement of the Catholic faith, isn't it? To go forth and spread the word?

Down With This Sort Of Thing

It's safe to assume that author E.L. James is rolling in money. Her bondage-themed novels, in all those shades of grey, has been a best-seller.

Not up for the Man Booker prize, oddly enough, but she gave the public what it wanted.

Some of the public, however, doesn't want what she's written.

Wearside Women In Need does not find the novel erotic. The women's abuse shelter sees domestic violence within the pages, and they plan to bring attention to their assertion that Fifty Shades of Grey is less of a novel and more of a how-to book from the crimes of serial killer Fred West.

Plans are in the works to build a bonfire of Ms. James' books (we're assuming that doesn't include the digital version) in a display that has already started people talking.

So is the trilogy a depiction of activities staged by two consenting adults, or does it promote abuse of women?

The question is lost in the shelter's manner of protest.

To some, the idea of burning books suggests the heavy hand of the Nazis, who banned and burned any art that they deemed unsuitable. To others, it is a stark reminder of the bad old days in Ireland, when sexual repression led to the banning of several books.

Critics are decrying the notion of censorship as expressed by a bonfire of books. It demonstrates intolerance, they say.

Well, yes. That's what the shelter wants to demonstrate. Intolerance for domestic abuse, for violence against women, and when those who deal with abused women on a daily basis read Fifty Shades of Grey, that's what they see, glorified as romance.

So it's down with this sort of thing from Wearside Women In Need, while others fear a new round of mind control from authority figures.

The two sides aren't arguing the same point.

Tablets R Us

Does your child really need a tablet?

Will the Tabeo become the must-have baby shower gift of the future?

Toys R Us is being squeezed by the likes of Wal-Mart, which has also taken to selling toys at low, low prices. That being what Toys R Us does, it's been stiff competition.

When a company is facing that sort of competition at the price level, it has to find some other niche to set it apart, and for reasons unknown, the suits who run Toys R Us decided that a tablet device was the answer.

The Tabeo is aimed at children and will be available only at Toys R Us. There'll be no price code scanning on your smartphone with a link appearing that takes you to a competitor selling it cheaper. If your child must have a Tabeo, you must buy from Toys R Us.

And once you've gone to the big box toy store for that Tabeo, you'll buy whatever else you might need because you'll consider the price of fuel to power your car to another store where a few things might be less dear, if not for the petrol you'd have to burn to get there.

A few more pennies into the Toys R Us pocket, but when your focus is deep discounts, the profit is made in volume and slim margins.

So you're sitting there wondering what the toy merchant could do to a tablet to make it different and more desirable than all the other tablets that are out there. It's not as if it's the only tablet running on Google's Android system.

As Ann Zimmerman pointed out in the Wall Street Journal, parents are likely to pass down their old tablet to the wee little ones while they upgrade to the latest version of the iPad. If they can avoid spending more money, they will, and hand-me-downs have long been a staple of cost-cutting at home.

One thing Toys R Us can do is build in parental controls for web surfing, but then again, it's easy enough to set those controls on your own. Parents would also find educational games appealing, but there are plenty of games geared towards children already. Can Toys R Us really invent something so compelling that it will drive sales?

It sounds like a case of hopping on the bandwagon after the circus has already been through town. Two years ago, it might have made a difference. Now, with money as tight as ever, it's unlikely that another electronic device will save Toys R Us from extinction.

Pentagon Promotes Former SEAL Book

The story has been running for some time now, giving author Matt Bissonnette a wealth of free publicity that will see his book at the top of the New York Times bestsellers.

No Easy Day was laid down on September 4, but the Pentagon continues to make a great deal of noise about classified information and proper vetting. The publisher had pushed back the release date when the complaints first aired, but nothing concrete was done to block publication.


According to the Pentagon, Mr. Bissonnette's first-hand account of his action in a remote Pakistan village has violated his SEAL oath of secrecy. His book details the mission to take down Bin Laden, and he claims it is a blow-by-blow account, bringing the reader along with the SEAL team as they avenged the murder of over three thousand innocent people.

Because it was a mission cloaked in secrecy, the Pentagon has made it known that they are of the opinion that their experts should have had a first look at the manuscript. It was up to them to determine if classified information was inserted into the pages.

Talk, but no action.

You'd think that the Pentagon is doing pre-release publicity for the book, as if they want to repay Mr. Bissonnette for his bravery by ginning up sales.

Through their spokesman, the Pentagon has made it known that they believe there is secret stuff inside the book, since the author went and hired an attorney versed in special ops to look over the manuscript. If there were no secrets, the reasoning goes, why pay for an attorney to look for them?

What more could you ask for as an author?

The military is shouting from the rooftops that your book is all that. No need to trust the author's assertions that he was there and this is how it went down. The Pentagon has, in essence, verified his claim.

In its most recent blast of book promotion, the Pentagon is threatening to take Mr. Bissonnette to court. They sent a strongly worded letter to Penguin, owner of the Dutton imprint that published the book, but as far as Mr. Bissonnette's attorney is concerned, he was not required to submit his manuscript to the Pentagon for review. End of story. Both hardcover and e-book.

While the reading public is snapping up copies, Penguin is anticipating a high sales volume and a sell through. Mr. Bissonnette is counting up his royalties and tabulating the expense of a good defense attorney. The Pentagon is promoting his book by hammering it, but the Pentagon could still try to sue him for violating his SEAL non-disclosure agreement.

So what are they waiting for?

Remaking An Old Brand

When an executive takes a notion to fluff up the corporate cushions, they often end up doing a complete make-over of the offices.

They look over the reports prepared by the accounting department and realize that they have to make changes if they are to keep their plush office and all the power that they've accrued. Failure typically results in an exit, and in an era of high unemployment, who wouldn't want to keep their job?

At Penguin, as at every other major publisher, sales are declining and there hasn't been a major breakout literary star for ages.

Enter Susan Kennedy.

As President of Penguin Publishing Group, she developed a strategy to freshen up her team. In her mind, that meant bringing in young people who were not entrenched and who did not have tight relationships with old literary agents delivering the same old manuscripts.

Marilyn Ducksworth had to go. After 28 years with Penguin, in spite of her previous successes, Ms. Ducksworth was marginalized until she couldn't take it anymore and she left.

Her team was dismantled, her authority diminished. It was made clear that she was not wanted, and if she stayed, she would be moved down the corporate ladder and possibly find herself in a dark corner of the basement, filing reports.

If she were the only one, it might have been a successful strategy that Penguin employed to get rid of an old employee and make it look as if that employee left of their own accord.

Ms. Ducksworth filed a lawsuit charging age discrimination, and she has backed up her assertion with examples of fellow executives, all of them well beyond the age of forty, who were also shown the door or diminished into submission.

Ms. Kennedy may have felt that the impending arrival of Coram Williams as new CEO of Penguin Group spelled her own demise if she didn't redecorate and make the place look better than what it was. She sought to revamp Ms. Ducksworth's department by cleaning house, but it just happens to be against the law to fire someone because they are old and outdated.

The case will drag out in the courts, and if Ms. Ducksworth has enough evidence to back her claim, she will end up with a settlement to close out this particular chapter. She will then be free to sit in Central Park and feed the pigeons. At her age, it's unlikely that she'd land a similar job to the one she left, with equal authority and salary.

The old folks, however, will still be gone from Penguin and Ms. Kennedy will be free to install her new employees, to do what she set out to do in the first place. The lawsuit and its costs will be nothing more than the price of doing business.

Apologies Ad Infinitum

Sorry, says the Bishop of Clonfert. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Didn't know any better.

Yes, Bishop John Kirby didn't know about pedophiles way back in those long ago days of the late 1990's.

Does it seem that long ago to you?

It wasn't until 1999 that Bertie Ahern, An Taoiseach at the time, apologized to all the victims of Ireland's policy of incarcerating poor children in small pockets of hell run by the Catholic Church.

So before that day, who knew about priests abusing children?

Among the clergy, that is. The laity had a notion early on, well before Bishop Kirby copped on.

He's sorry, the bishop, that he moved a couple of child abusers around the diocese after they were caught abusing children. The power of the confessional wasn't enough to erase the problem from the hearts and minds of the pedophile priests. Who would have thought a sacrament would fail?

It isn't entirely the bishop's fault, of course. He notified authorities, but what garda in 1990's Ireland would dare prosecute a member of the clergy? Unless the bishop marched the miscreant down to the station and demanded that the offender be locked up, the issue would have been swept under the rug.

And the priest would have been moved along to some other parish, to be dealt with by some other community that had no idea their new minister was thinking how he might groom one of their children.

The apologies have begun to wear thin.

Everyone is sorry. But nothing has been done, after all these years, to compensate the victims of the abuse who have to find ways to live with their nightmares. Nothing has been done to assist the families of those victims, who deal with the fall-out of the damage inflicted, who mourn the suicides and cope with the alcoholics.

Isn't it true that actions speak louder than words?

The Autumn Season

The summer is officially over.

In publishing, those lazy Friday afternoons where the executives fly off to their summer homes in the Hamptons has concluded.

The literary agents are back in their offices, getting caught up on queries and complaining about those who have nothing else to do on a holiday weekend but submit query letters.

Back to writing, writers.

Arse in chair, pen in hand (or fingers on keyboard). The days are shorter and the nights grow longer. So too should your manuscript be increasing in length.

It will be getting cold soon enough, and you won't want to be outdoors, face turned to the sun. And that will be true for the literary agents as well, who have little better to do than search with fresh interest for that gem of a novel that will bring in much needed cash to fund their winter sun holiday.

Back to the manuscript, to writing and editing.

The summer is over. The autumn season is upon us.

So Much For Scandal

Prince Harry photos are splashed all over the world, Prince Harry in the flesh, quite literally, but are the British upset?

His fellow soldiers have set up a Facebook page to support the man.

Not exactly a stinging criticism, is it?

The hide-bound officers are still in a lather over the Las Vegas strip billiards tournament that the Prince apparently lost. They don't see how a naked royal cavorting with a naked woman reflects today's British Army in a positive light.

Doesn't Harry's photo prove that it's a man's life in today's army? Why, it's a recruiting opportunity.

Back to Facebook. Soldiers and their wives (or girlfriends) are invited to salute Harry in a naked photo that will be posted to the page, provided there is no overt nudity. Like Harry, a gentleman is expected to cover his mickey, but other than that, let creativity be your guide.

Pictures are coming in from various units stationed in Afghanistan, where soldiers have time on their hands and not many ways to fill the hours, or at least to fill the hours in which they are not getting shot at.

It just goes to show that for some members of the British public, they don't much care that an unmarried man got naked. Like many celebrities, Harry failed to consider the possibility that someone would have a cell phone camera and see an opportunity to score some easy cash, but it isn't the first strip billiards game that's been played and it won't be the last.

The Prince is still said to be facing some sort of dressing down from his superior officers, but Harry has already been punished. It's said that his girlfriend, model Cressida Bonas, dumped him when she saw the pictures.

Sure it might not be much of a hardship on the lad. There's plenty of other fish in the sea, and not all of them play billiards or take pictures at parties.

A Rose Is A Rose Is A Private Residence

The art gallery that isn't

As someone once highly placed at the Irish Museum of Modern Art, you would expect Marie Donnelly to know a thing or two about art.

That might have been part of the argument that Manahan Planners made to the Dun Laoghaire-Rathdown County Council when Ms. Donnelly first commenced to build an art gallery on the Vico Road.

Just down the street from Bono? So as you would guess, it's a posh and exclusive neighborhood where the neighbors were none too keen on the presence of an art gallery in their midst.

But the council granted planning permission and so the building, designed by noted architect Claudio Silvestrin, was constructed on the edge of the land. Sweeping views of the Irish Sea, trees: a work of art in and of itself.

The museum was open to the public for only 60 days out of a possible 365, so for the public to so much as get in was a rare ticket indeed. Such a policy surely eased the minds of the locals who feared being overwhelmed with traffic and the unwashed masses on a daily basis.

Those who did get in noted that there wasn't much art about, which led them to question how much of an art museum the museum was. Plebeians. Didn't realize that the building was the biggest work of art in...err, not in, exactly. But the building was art, so who needed a load of bric-a-brac to clutter it up?

The Donnelly plan to use the space as a museum hasn't worked out as planned. After a dozen years of trying, they sought some other art gallery to take over the space, but there are certain issues that public buildings require, like enough toilets and handicapped access. Sadly, Mr. Silvestrin may not have been thinking "public space" when he designed the thing.

So can we make it a private home ask Joe and Marie Donnelly.

Sure it looks like Mr. Selvestrin designed a private residence in the first place, but was that always the intention? Is it possible that Mr. and Mrs. Donnelly were availing themselves of certain tax breaks that have run their course, and now they'd like to live on the Vico Road with Bono?

The county council is left to ponder this question. What else can be done with an art gallery that wasn't designed as an art gallery in the first place?

Teen Pregnancy And Television

According to Professor David Paton, all the sex education in the world hasn't cut into the teen pregnancy rate.

It's a serious issue, given the fact that most teen mothers are more likely to end up in poverty, and their fatherless children more likely to end up in trouble.

Historically, teens got pregnant, but there was usually a shotgun nearby and that took care of the problem of the child having a father to provide for it. If mom and dad were miserable together, well, that was the consequence of their actions.

But Professor Paton is interested in finding a way to prevent teen pregnancy in the first place, to avoid either the modern option or the historical disaster.

Using data from his home base in England, Mr. Paton has determined that teen pregnancy rates peaked in 1996 and coincided with a big push by the British national health care service to warn the kiddies about the dangers of unprotected sex.

Since then, he's found a decline, but he can't put a a finger on the reason.

Groups that promote sex education and contraception providers all insist that he hasn't taken his study out enough years, because these initiatives take time. That means they're worried that his findings might have merit and they'll lose their funding from a government that's looking for expenses to pare, and if a program ain't working, it's gone.

Both sides are wrong.

The recent drop in teen pregnancy is because of MTV.

Hey kids, want to know what it's really like to have a baby at sixteen? How about watching a couple of seasons of Sixteen and Pregnant?

Think you'll take home that bundle of joy and it will be all happy and sweet and loving? For your viewing pleasure, try Teen Mom.

Forget classroom instruction and abstinence lectures. The teen pregnancy rate is falling these past few years, and those years coincide with MTV's presentations of real life with real teens that any teen could relate to.

Sit the students down in front of a television and instead of a lecture, let them hear the words of girls who believed the baby daddy would be there to change a diaper or mind the infant, only to find that he's AWOL. Watch the fights, the cruel words, the exhaustion, the frustration and the regret.

Now if someone would just run a statistical analysis and the family planning groups could request additional funds to obtain the DVDs......

To The Barricades, Citizens!

Seamus Sherlock is fighting eviction.

His neighbors have manned the barricades to keep the bailiffs away.

The farmer from Co. Limerick is in arrears on loans he made with the Bank of Scotland, and the bank decided that the time had come to foreclose on Mr. Sherlock's property.

As if they have a chance of recouping their losses in the current depressed market. You wouldn't wonder that the land is worth less than it was when Mr. Sherlock obtained the loan. And if you know anything of Limerick, you'd know that anyone who tried to buy the property wouldn't find a warm welcome.

Mr. Sherlock has barricaded himself into his home, and he says that his neighbors are standing up with him, keeping a constant vigil for the bank's representatives.

They shall not pass!

If you're in the vicinity of Feohanagh, southeast of Newcastlewest on the R522, feel free to drop off donations of food. Mr. Sherlock can't get around to the shops, and if you can't man the barricades with him, he could use with a runner to keep him connected to the outside world.

All he needs is time to work out some sort of repayment plan with the bank, but thus far the bank isn't interested in making accommodations.

He says that he's working with a solicitor to settle his debt, but what Mr. Sherlock thinks is a workable plan may not suit the bank's suits.

There was a time when you spoke to someone you knew at the local bank, someone who might have told you outright that you were asking for more than you could handle. We came to a point where big banks in distant cities made decisions, and too often the decision was based on generating more loans without a thought to the individual borrower, because that individual was just a form with numbers.

We have an epidemic of foreclosures, coupled with fevered desperation to hang on to the house or the farm. Maybe the barricade will get the bank's attention, all the way across the Irish Sea. Or maybe all the bank wants is its money back, now, and if it can't have it, well, Mr. Sherlock isn't going to derive any benefit either.

Valuable Insight

Two rejections received, and it is a disappointment of course but those rejections came with some valuable insight.

Writers of historical fiction do their research, and end up immersed in the time period they favor. From there, they develop the characters and draw out a narrative arc, the same as any other author. But it's the history of the work that makes the author's task just a little bit different.

Both literary agents who rejected the manuscript had the same thing to say, even though it was said in different ways and it took both rejections to understand what the sticking point was. They got hung up on the history.

What every Chicagoan knows, what is common knowledge among the South Side Irish, is not part of the oral history and traditions of other cities. Especially New York City, all insulated from the middle of the country and blissfully unaware.

A political pundit drove that home recently when he laughed at some conservative blowhard who described the current White House denizens as practitioners of Chicago-style politics. That old Daley machine way is gone, the pundit said. Why, if things were done the Chicago way, the nation would work.

The inherent understanding of the way Chicago works is not known beyond Wilson Avenue to the north and 95th Street to the south. That is why two literary agents both rejected a manuscript that was written as if the reader knew the history, but the agents were not in Chicago and they didn't.

Sometimes you get lucky and an agent will give you some tips on why your manuscript isn't right for them. I got lucky twice over.

So it's a matter of going back to the opening pages and sprinkling in little bits of history, to set the stage for those who never saw the drama or heard about it at their granny's knee.

It's a lot of work, and frustration, to get the story right. Putting in just enough info is no easy task when you have to avoid an overload.

Back to work. Sharpen up the editing pencil, and re-write.

Eventually, I'll nail it.

Pack Your Passport And Bring Your Walking Shoes

Just so you know, when you land in Dublin today, you won't find a cab to take you on to your destination.

Maybe you found one easily enough the last time. Or maybe you've never been, but you expect a line of cabs to be waiting outside the airport of any major city and Dublin's a capital of a country, isn't it.

The cab drivers are up in arms because several of their waiting spots were taken away, to be used for some other purpose as determined by the airport authority.

They want those spaces back, because when they're waiting to queue up for the paying customers, they need a place to go that won't get them a parking ticket from the gardai wandering about.

Ferrying tourists is big business, especially these days when there's not much business to be had. By eliminating seventy spots for the 1,500 licensed taxis, the Dublin Airport Authority made it harder for those drivers to earn a living. And they don't appreciate it.

They have expressed their dissatisfaction by going out on strike.

Thirty spots were put back in service today, as a gesture to the strikers, along with a request that they come back to work. Travelers don't much like being surprised upon landing, particularly after an overseas trip, and to waltz out of the airport to find someone directing them on how to take a bus into the city center isn't very "cead mile failte" at all.

With six hundred spaces for waiting taxis, the Airport Authority didn't see that removing seventy slots would do much harm, but the taxi drivers who couldn't get into the overflow parking area ended up with parking tickets when they waited out on the road.

Not having a place to park did not deter them from trying to pick up a fare at the airport, where they knew they'd stand a good chance of getting some income for the day once they got to the head of the queue. Being all but barred from carrying on business did not sit well.

No one seems to know when the issue will be resolved, so you'd best be prepared.

If you're not keen on bus travel, you can rent a car. Just remember that the Irish drive on the left side of the road, and you'll do fine.

Having GPS would help as well. Might want to pack your device, along with your passport. Or bring some sturdy walking shoes and take a hike.

Rain gear, then. Add that to the list.

Get Your Kicks

So one minute Alex Morgan is running around the pitch, and the next thing you know, she's got a publishing contract.

Has she shown any inclination towards writing?

According to her biography, she received a degree in political economy, which may involve the writing of various papers and research documents, but where is the fiction?

Ms. Morgan has been signed by Simon & Schuster to pen a series of books for young readers. As you'd expect, the series is to revolve around a group of "soccer playing best friends" who have themselves some adventures.

You can't argue that Ms. Morgan isn't qualified as far as the soccer playing bit goes. She scored that winning goal and all.

But to do the writing?

She doesn't really need to be a skilled wordsmith.

Ms. Morgan will put her name to the books, and young readers will snatch them up because they know who Alex Morgan is.

Simon and Schuster has editors aplenty to provide an outline. Indeed, these series for young readers tend to be as formulaic as a Harlequin romance. Ms. Morgan can then provide the technical details, insert her experiences, and a book is born.

Add to that the author's platform and the current interest in the United States' women's soccer team, and half the work to promote the book is already done. What girl wouldn't want to attend a book signing by an author wearing an Olympic gold medal?

Perhaps Ms. Morgan has dreams of being a novelist, or perhaps she simply wants to reach out to younger girls who might think their lives should revolve around boys and getting boys to like them and giving up sport because boys don't like sporty girls.

Sometimes, writing is all about the art. Sometimes, it's all about the marketing and turning a profit. And sometimes, marketing and profits can provide lessons to young ladies in a form that isn't like the parents preaching, which is an art in itself.

The Complexities of Female Biology

According to Todd Akin, it was a conversation with doctors that had him misspeaking in regard to rape and pregnancy.

The man then repeated what he thought he'd heard, but female biology is complex and the average man just doesn't know enough science to understand what he's told.

He is against abortion for any reason, and thought he'd been given medical support for his beliefs. But again, he lacks knowledge and so he misunderstood what he thought was support for his position.

A genuine rape, and not some artificially concocted bit of violence, rarely results in pregnancy, so in Mr. Akin's mind, there's no need to carve out an exception to an absolute ban on abortion.

Women's bodies have an amazing ability to shut down, thereby preventing unwanted pregnancies.

Women's bodies are remarkable to men in so many ways, and so mysterious to those who never took courses on human physiology or reproductive biology. Why, that's almost everyone, isn't it?

Women's bodies do indeed have an inherent ability to shut down, but it is a permanent condition.

Yes, it's true.

Women reaching the age of fifty, or thereabouts, find that their reproductive systems shut down and they never get pregnant again. Not even if they want to.

This incredible ability is called....menopause.

So there you have it.

Women in the post-menopause phase of their lives do not get pregnant following genuine rape.

Todd Akin did not so much misspeak as misunderstand the facts that he used to frame his argument.

He could walk this all back and amend his stance to one that bans abortion in the case of post-menopausal women who are raped. Genuinely raped, of course.

As for the younger women who are twice traumatized, he could take a page from the Irish bishops of old and punish them for getting pregnant against their will.

A string of Magdalene laundries across the country out to do it. Look how well the culture of confinement worked for Ireland, where the government spent decades in policing morality.

And just try to get an abortion in Ireland in this day and age.

Out From The Plain Brown Wrapper

For those who have longed for a pair of soft, furry handcuffs to call their own, could they be coming to a major department store near you?

From the marketers who brought you 50 Shades of Grey, it's 50 shades of products to pair with your favorite mommy porn. Yes, the same people who represent author E. L. James will represent her new range of what they're calling sleepwear but we all know it's not intended to be worn long enough to ever be used for actual sleeping.

CopCorp Licensing will soon release a complete wardrobe for the most die-hard 50 Shades fan. It's more than lingerie and robes and such. There are plans to produce outerwear as well.

You've seen the young ladies sporting hoodies that proclaim "Love Pink"? It's a theme that's worked well for Victoria's Secret, which took Frederick's of Hollywood and made it mainstream. No one is embarrassed to seemingly proclaim an adoration of underclothes that aren't simply foundation garments.

Think about it. You know that countless women love Spanx but they aren't trumpeting the love in block letters on their backs. Where's the love of spandex boldly declared?

Forget "Love Pink". This fall, the girls will be loving grey, all fifty shades of it.

Imagine, if you can, a teen mom preparing for a night of fun. She can slip into 50 Shades knickers, pull on 50 Shades stockings and hold them up with a 50 Shades suspender belt. Top it off with a 50 Shades t-shirt and track suit, and she's ready to be a walking billboard for the brand.

No word yet on the general availability of bondage paraphernalia going mainstream, however, as part of the 50 Shades range.

Perhaps the world is not yet ready for sex toys to come out from under their plain brown wrappers.

Now that would be unique. And something that Victoria's Secret isn't marketing in their shops.

Clean Augean Stables, Kill Nemean Lion, Slay Hydra, Rid Vatican Of Evil...

Hercules was given twelve labors to perform, all tasks considered impossible to accomplish.

If he'd been given the task of ridding the Vatican of evil, he might have come up against something truly impossible.

According to the Pope's disgraced butler, Paolo Gabriele, he stole documents from the Pope's private apartments as his labor to rid the Vatican of corruption that he saw spreading throughout the Church.

He has been charged with common, ordinary theft, although no one has shown that the gentleman profited from his thievery.

To an extent, his labor has shed some light on the inner workings of the Vatican, in that several of the documents Mr. Gabriele stole reveal some classic insider deals. Those who knew somebody were granted contracts, so that there was no competitive bidding and no awards based on value.

Those select few turned profits, as much as stealing the money themselves while no one did anything to stop them. It was corruption throughout the system, a corruption that troubled Mr. Gabriele to such a degree that he blew the whistle.

Except there is no protection for whistle-blowers in the Vatican.

He faces several years in prison if convicted, with the trial not yet ready to begin. It takes time to put out the sort of fires that Mr. Gabriele started, those pesky conflagrations that have the faithful asking questions and not putting their hard-earned coin into the Peter's Pence collection.

The Pope can pardon the criminal, if he chooses, but Benedict XVI is a frail old man who cannot clean the Vatican of the filth that is sinking the Catholic Church.

There is only so far that the "pray, pay and obey" mantra can take you when you're trying to control an out-of-control bureaucracy filled with Italians who are steeped in the ways of Machiavelli.

Perhaps the butler will indeed be pardoned, so that there is no trial. What better way to hide the facts than to sweep all under the rug. Butlers do their fare share of sweeping, don't they?

Party Planning Without Consulting The Guest of Honor

Let's welcome home our Olympians the politicians said, and throw a party so that all of Ireland can celebrate.

Grand idea, but normally one consults the guests of honor prior to setting the date of the party.

And so, another debacle is launched.

The Irish are proud of their five Olympic medal winners. It's such a rare thing, and of course you'd expect a surge of excitement and a desire to do something special to mark the occasion.

The Olympic Council of Ireland made plans to welcome the athletes in Dublin with a parade and an open-topped bus. The parade would take place immediately, as soon as the Olympians stepped off the plane.

Sorry, said the athletes, your party is grand and all but we would like to see our families first?

Adding to the chaos were rumours that boxer Katie Taylor's father was against the bus and it was his fault that the plans were falling apart. So of course he had to go public to declare it wasn't him at all, but that sort of talk just makes the whole party planning crew seem out of their depth.

Not to worry. After speaking to the athletes, it's been decided that they can all go home first, where their local towns will celebrate a triumphant return. Katie Taylor will indeed ride an open bus, but it will be driven through Bray.

The national celebration will take place when the athletes are available, on Wednesday. The party will be held at noon on Wednesday, so those who have jobs can take their lunch break at the Mansion House and join in.

It's all worked out in the end.

For the citizens watching the event unfold, however, it doesn't instill confidence in a government that's supposed to be solving a deep financial crisis. If they can't even plan a small party, how can they plan a workable budget?

Stories All Around

When you are a writer, you see stories all around you.

You read about a man who lures his business partner to his death out of greed, and you don't think about the crime. You don't curse the man to hell for such cold-blooded, calculating cruelty.

Instead, you work your way into the murderer's head, to determine what would drive a person to such drastic action. Then you start composing a story around your observations.

Sean McGin owned a gym with another man, the KO Zone Gym that was located in the rust-belt town of Joliet. There was a time when the town's name was synonymous with limestone and quarries, and with the state prison that has since become a museum.

With a name like KO Zone, it's all about boxing, and if it's all about boxing, you picture troubled young men who are hoping to use their fighting skills for something besides gang warfare.

The police have said that Mr. McGin was lured to the back of the gym building in the middle of the night by the man who killed him. The murderer was offering to sell and deliver cocaine.

That makes the victim sound like a drug dealer, or a man so desperate for cash to shore up his failing business that he'd make a little easy cash with drug sales. Perhaps he was once a troubled young man who turned to boxing, but the troubles never quite left him.

What of the business partner who is said to have committed the crime?

Was he only greedy? Did he have a genuine understanding of the finality of death, or was his brain stuck in a video game mentality in which you start over and keep on playing.

Police claim the perp admitted under questioning that he didn't have the drugs, but he did take the money that Mr. McGin brought along to pay for the goods. And as you'd expect him to say, he's claiming that a co-conspirator did the shooting.

As the writer, you wander around in his head and find the core of the person. Then you put these two men together and set them in motion until they collide in story of vengeance, perhaps, or greed or even blackmail by a third party who comes into the manuscript in the last third.

It's real life, that murder over drugs in Joliet. But writers see real life and turn it into fiction that says more than the cold, hard facts everyone else reads in the newspaper.

Start The Celebration

 

Congratulations to the Fightin' Irish!!

Let the celebration begin....and it's safe to assume that they've been celebrating in Bray since Katie Taylor's arm was raised in victory yesterday.

Free Returns On Past Due Books

After the Chicago fire of 1871, the British pitched in to help the city get back on its feet by donating books.

There could be nothing more critical to civilization than the written word, and England did its best to restore civilization through a collection that may not have been made up of bestsellers, but provided reading material that might take the reader away from their troubles for a short time.

From that grand donation sprang the Chicago Public Library.

The donated books were lent out, circulated, and then over time, they disappeared.

By now, you'd imagine the fines would be astronomical, but it's not so bad as all that.

The Chicago Public Library is willing to take back any and all overdue books, no questions asked, and not charge the delinquent borrower a penny.

Amnesty for those who cower in the corner, ashamed at how long they've had that library book that they meant to return but after a few years, it's simply too embarrassing to hand it back.

Check your shelves. 

Open those old books that have been collecting dust and look for the bookplate that is featured above. It's all right that you've had the book for over one hundred years. Bring it back. No charge. No fine.

By most estimations, Chicago received about 8,000 books from the British.

They can't find a single one of them. They were lent out and never came back.

So do please check your shelves. There's a long list of people waiting to borrow Christina Rosetti's Goblin Market and Queen Victoria's personal favorite,  The Early Years of His Royal Highness The Prince Consort.

Budget Cuts Hit The Arts

Parents look at the cost of higher education and are increasingly unwilling to go into debt so that their offspring can major in the arts.

There simply are no jobs waiting at the end of four hard years.

There is no salary commensurate with the amount of student loan debt to be repaid.

So when the University of New Orleans looked around for budget cuts that had to be made to meet the drop in state tax income, they went to the places where the popular majors are not found.

The university's imprint has been shut down and Bill Lavender, the director of UNO Press, has been laid off.

As expected, the students who worked with Mr. Lavender are up in arms, but they are an endangered species these days and the school's budget committee is not going to listen to their emotional pleas.

This is all about money. There simply is not enough of it to go around to satisfy everyone, so UNO makes cuts where it will be less painful.

Books of poetry? That's a luxury in these hard times. It's not likely that too many parents will pay tuition for a child who wants to be a poet. There's no financial future in it. You want to write poetry? Do it in your spare time, after you've finished your shift as a surgical nurse at the local hospital.

A novelist? Don't make Mom and Dad laugh. Study engineering or finance. A minor in English is fine for pursuing the arts, and UNO's directors know that they don't need an expensive press to attract students who are not there for an outstanding English department.

Money is tight and this is a time to pare down expenses. In a few years time, things will turn around and private donations will return. The budget crisis will ease.

Instead of protesting Mr. Lavender's firing, the students might consider protesting the lack of oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico. Much needed income from the petroleum industry has been lost with the bans and regulations placed on off-shore drilling, and Louisiana is suffering for it.

An uptick in oil revenues would go a long way to restoring funding at UNO, and bring Mr. Lavender, and UNO Press, back.

Opening The Door For Amazon

Publishers, authors, and countless other interested parties all filed statement with the Department of Justice when the nation's lawyers were examining the issue of collusion in e-book pricing.

The Feds believe that Apple and various publishers were in on a grand scheme to set the price of e-books, and that cannot be allowed to stand. It is commonly referred to as the "agency model", which was intended to keep Amazon from cornering the e-book market.

Independent publishers, along with several of the major houses, found that the agency model helped maintain competition among them, and kept Amazon at bay. The last thing they want is for Amazon to be the only game in town, setting the price for them, and therefore controlling how much profit they make.

Amazon publishes now, through its own imprint. Of course they'd want to maximize their own profits, and to do so would require driving their competitors out of business.

Authors fear that Amazon would come to control digital book pricing, in which case, they'd be in no position to negotiate a better deal for themselves. The author's royalties could be whatever Amazon wished them to be, and if that was mere pennies, well, go somewhere else....but there wouldn't be anywhere else to go to.

There are remedies in the law for victims of predatory pricing, but it does a company little good after it's been driven out of business.

That's why the agency model was created. By the time the D of J would act, harm would have been done and once a publishing house has failed or abandoned digital publishing to Amazon, it isn't coming back.

So what good would it do Grove/Atlantic or Chronicle Books if the Feds later decreed that Amazon was a monopoly and it had to be broken up? Jeff Bezos would still make out, and the competition would still be gone.

All those words have had no effect. The Department of Justice has decreed that the agency model violates the law and those participating in the scheme must stop and re-work their contracts. The publishers have several rings to jump through to show that they are behaving, in spite of all their assurances that all the D of J has done is open the door to Amazon's development of a monopoly.

The end result of the lawsuit will give Amazon more power in the marketplace, curtail competition, and harm both authors and the book-buying public. When that happens, the lawyers will come back and tinker, create more problems, and then tinker some more.

What's next?

The lawyers supporting the agency model can dither, file more motions, and generally stall for time, knowing that the election in November could bring in a new mindset at the Justice Department. There's that element of uncertainty that could drag out a final solution.

So are any of the defendants in the suit donating big to the Romney campaign?

Chicago Asks That You Please Smoke

Not cigarettes, God no. They're bad for you.

Coming to Lollapalooza? By all means, be sure to bring weed.

Just keep your stash to 15 grams at a time, and the city will thank you.

Chicago has a new ordinance regulating the possession of small amounts of marijuana, what is considered enough for personal use. That new law is going to be put into effect as the masses descend on Grant Park for the three day music festival.

Police will issue tickets to those found with the equivalent of 25 joints on them, and for every ticket, the city coffers will be $250 richer. Can't you just hear the cash registers cha-chinging at City Hall?

In years past, the police haven't bothered anyone who was smoking at the festival. It's a hassle to make an arrest in a crowd. But writing a ticket? What could be simpler?

The city needs the money. Desperately. The budget has a huge hole in it to begin with, and Mayor Rahm Emanuel doesn't know what else to cut to get things into balance.

You don't have to cut if you can bring in more revenue, and 100,000 citations for possession? It's money in the bank.

The alderman who promoted the new ordinance is a bit perturbed because the young dealers in his neighborhood have been getting arrested, not ticketed, while the white kids at the various festivals get a pass. Walter Burnett realizes how critical those $250 drops are to the leaking bucket that is Chicago finances, and he knows it's expensive to arrest and incarcerate a person. He wants the cops to cooperate, write some tickets, and turn a profit.

So "doo-bee" an honored guest of the city of Chicago and have a toke. Just be sure to light up outside of the festival grounds, where the police are authorized to ticket smokers.

But please, leave the tobacco cigarettes at home. They're bad for your health.

Badminton As A Cut-throat Sport

Somehow, any scandal involving badminton doesn't resonate with the sport-loving public.

Perhaps it's because badminton is that game you play at garden parties after a few too many cocktails. It's what you did to pass the time as a child at some summer camp or other.

It is, in short, a dull game and does anyone watch it?

The Chinese and South Korean women's Olympic teams are under investigation for cheating at badminton. Who would have guessed that winning in such a sport could be so underhanded...so cut-throat?

The ladies are accused of slacking off in particular matches, of "not using one's best effort" to win. In essence, they took a dive, but not for cash payments.

No, the women did their best to lose so that they could be put into a bracket that offered easier competition. They found a way to get to the medals podium without having to work quite so hard. Indeed, many in the audience who watched the thrown matches had no doubt that the women were doing it on purpose, playing poorly and blowing easy shots.

They say that much of victory in sport is mental, and it takes some mental acuity to look at a tournament bracket and figure out who you have the best chance of beating. From there, it's a matter of manipulating the pairings as best you can, to get those advantageous matches.

But it's meant to be above board and fair, and the Olympics committee trusts the athletes to focus on winning where they are placed, rather than manipulating the playing field and making a mockery of the bracket system.

The Chinese, their reputation for cheating intact, have criticized their athletes, but it's only words. No one has been sent home in disgrace.

The South Koreans say they were getting back at the Chinese, playing the cheating game to prevent China from rigging the pairings so that their number one and number two teams would be paired in the gold medal match.

Will the gold be tainted by the cheating scandal? Will China be disqualified?

Does anyone care?

The Olympics Committee certainly should. It's their reputation that's at stake. And once they lose that, they risk losing the public's appreciation of games that are supposed to be nothing but pure athletic prowess, without the cynical manipulation.

Imagine There's Profit In Creativity

Where would retired politicians be without speaking engagements and the income they produce? Yet you know that it's the same speech being given, again and again, to a different audience.

So why all the fuss about Jonah Lehrer recycling his words for profit?

The New Yorker got worked up because the author repeated things he'd written before and presented as fresh. But if Bill Clinton can do it with the spoken word, it seems unfair for Mr. Lehrer to suffer.

From there, however, Mr. Lehrer went a step too far into the world of fiction, and he has now resigned from the magazine.

A journalist cannot make up quotes, you see, because that is a serious violation of ethics that not even a politician would consider....except maybe John Edwards, but we all know what happened to him and it wasn't pretty.

Jonah Lehrer not only recycled pieces from articles, but he wrote an article about the science of creativity and fabricated quotes from Bob Dylan. And then he turned his article into a full book.

A full book that HMH has now pulled from its catalog. Because it's supposed to be non-fiction but it's pure fiction. Well researched, perhaps, but it isn't all real.

Imagine how creativity works and you might imagine how Mr. Lehrer came to create quotes that did not exist, and then put them out in public as if no one would notice.

So Bob Dylan and all those associated with him would never think to read the New Yorker? Never do a Google search to see what's being said about the musician?

The author has apologized, but it's a fair bet that HMH will be looking for a return of the advance and royalties paid to Mr. Lehrer, who did not deliver the manuscript he promised but something not suitable for publication. And it doesn't have any of the elements of a good novel, so it can't just be shelved in the fiction division.

It isn't the first time that a journalist has made up stuff. It won't be the last. 

But can we please not be subjected to another "memoir" from the perpetrator of the hoax?

Going For Silver...Gold...Pounds?

If you're in the running for medals in the Olympic Games, you're expected to compete to the best of your ability.

Go for the gold, silver or bronze.

In the case of Peter O'Leary, it might be a case of going for the gold in the form of British pounds.

The Irish sailor is part of a team on which Ireland has pinned its medal hopes. Mr. O'Leary is in a bit of hot water (and we're not talking about the Irish Sea here) over a case of youthful exuberance from his first Olympics in 2008.

It's come out that Mr. O'Leary placed a bet on a sailing race in which he was competing. However, he bet against himself and for his competitor, which would be an easy bet to win if you were better than your rival and then you dogged it so you'd lose.

You pick up a profit of close to 4,000 British pounds and go home ahead of the game, to buy round after round for your mates...or to put towards a better boat for the next race.

The issue isn't so much that he placed a bet in that way, but that such gambling was banned by the Olympic Committee at those same Beijing games.

Mr. O'Leary figured that since he wasn't in a medal race, where was the harm. He had nothing to gain, but he could create a benefit by placing a couple of bets with his bookie. He might not have known about the rule against wagering.

Except that all participants were supposed to have signed a contract in which they agreed not to gamble against themselves. Infractions are punishable by a permanent or a temporary ban.

It's the ban that's got sailing enthusiasts nervous. If Mr. O'Leary is punished in 2012 for a foolish mistake made in 2008, there goes Ireland's best hope for a medal.

The Committee is investigating.

Mr. O'Leary is keeping a low profile.

And his bookie is wondering if he'd been had back in 2008 when he took a bet from a man who was participating in the event in which he'd bet that he'd lose.

The Power Of The Irish Voting Bloc

When the Irish came to America, they were freed from the restrictions that British placed on Catholics in their colony.

One of the first things the Irish did was to dive into politics, with an exuberance that reflected a pent-up desire to control one's destiny via the ballot.

The Irish voting bloc became powerful and politicians wishing to be elected had to cater to Irish needs and demands. Before long, cities like Boston, New York and Chicago had so many Irishmen in office that some Anglo-Saxon Protestants felt that they were losing their country to a foreign invasion that would forever change the nation.

More than a century later, you would expect that the Irish voting bloc would have dispersed by now, melted into American society and no longer of great importance.

Apparently not.

In a recent campaign advertisement, President Obama blasted his rival for investing in "tax haven" countries like Bermuda (lovely climate), Switzerland (impressive scenery) and....Ireland.

Excuse me? Enda Kenny was there.

If you happen to run across the advert, you'll find that Ireland is no longer a tax haven, but a "low-tax country".

The Irish Embassy leveled a complaint, but if Ireland were of no importance to the election, why would the Obama campaign have bothered to alter their copy? Are they concerned with insulting the Irish diaspora that's spread all over the fifty states?

And this coming right before Mr. Mitt Romney meets with An Taoiseach Enda Kenny to discuss all things economic. Many photos will be taken, and used in campaign literature targeting the Irish-American voting bloc that still carries a love of the auld sod in its heart.

Such a small country, but still very special.

Getting Old, Getting Happy

Fans of the Twilight films are aghast.

Their beloved Kristen Stewart has admitted to an affair a much older man, and this while she was romantically linked to her Twilight co-star Robert Pattinson.

She's gone all apologetic over it, with much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

All she really needs to do is come right out and say it. She's not getting any younger. She could be dead in five or ten years, so she might as well be happy.

At least that's the excuse that former royal son-in-law Mark Phillips used when he got caught with a younger woman.

The ex-husband of Princess Anne is going to get divorced yet again, and he's not apologizing for anything. You won't hear him bemoaning the hurt put on his soon to be ex-wife.

The only bemoaning you're hearing is Captain Phillips grumbling about the Puritanical mindset of the equestrian set that he was hired to coach.

Timing isn't the best for the Captain's revelation that he's leaving the old bag for a newer model, someone who is 35 as compared to 58 years of age. He's bringing the U.S. Equestrian team to England for the Olympics, and there has been a call for his resignation in the face of conduct unbecoming a horseman.

Like Kristen Stewart, Mr. Phillips succumbed to the charms of someone he was working with. Mrs. Phillips Number Three is a member of his coaching staff.

At the age of 63, Mr. Phillips is planning to retire from the U.S.equestrian team anyway, to spend more time at his home in Gloucestershire. He will not quit early, he will not abandon his team on the verge of Olympic competition, and he doesn't give a rat's arse what anyone thinks of him.

In fact, he's criticized his critics for not supporting him in his efforts to bring gold back to the States.

After the drama of Kristen Stewart's announcement, it's refreshing to hear the opposite approach. Enough of taking the blame. We need more self-serving conceit. At least it's honest.

You Can't Eat That Around Here

Looking for Chick-fil-A in the Logan Square neighborhood of Chicago?

Sorry. You can't eat that there. You have to join in the boycott of the Southern fried fast food emporium because the alderman has decided that for you.

Somewhat like the way the city council decided that Wal-Mart couldn't open stores within the city's borders because they were anti-union. Kept all those non-union jobs out of the city, and allowed other competitors to move in.....Oh, right. No jobs came at all.

A Chick-fil-A franchise opened at Loyola University's downtown campus, but that was before the recent dust-up. Chicagoans discovered the tasty sandwiches and there are new franchisees who would like to take advantage of the demand.

The reason that Mr. Joe Moreno wants to ban Chick-fil-A from his ward is because the company's president has come out of the closet and declared that he is not a proponent of gay marriage.

Like so many Southerners, Dan Cathy arises from a conservative, somewhat fundamentalist religious background, and that religion colors his outlook on life.

Have you ever tried to shop at Hobby Lobby on a Sunday? Well, don't expect to buy a breaded, fried piece of chicken on Sunday either. Both companies are rooted in Bible-based teachings and they make sure their employees can keep holy the Sabbath.

It's an attitude that makes Chick-fil-A and Loyola University a good fit. The Catholic Church isn't a proponent of gay marriage either, and the Vatican has long been promoting monogamy and fidelity and the traditional nuclear family.

But Alderman Moreno isn't of like mind. As far as he's concerned, Chick-fil-A discriminates against gays because the president spoke out against a gay marriage.

Did you think that you could speak your mind freely and not be punished? Did you think that you could actively practice your religion without repercussions?

Not in Chicago you can't.

So Mr. Moreno intends to block the zoning changes needed for Chick-fil-A to build their new store on busy Elston Avenue. He's stated quite clearly that the reason is because of an anti-gay marriage stance.

In which case, Chick-fil-A just might see the City of Chicago in court. And the taxpayers of the city will all get to pay for Mr. Moreno's big mouth.

All he had to do was work on a ban on excessive MSG in fast food, and that would be the end of Chick-fil-A in the city. There's no free speech infringement there. But there's no opportunity to grandstand for your many gay constituents, either.

Re-Write

You will be told not to write what is currently selling, because the books coming out now were put into process as much as two years ago.

It takes time to write a book, yes, but it takes time to edit and publish it as well. Hence, the advice. Write what is coming, what isn't there yet. For an author, it's a suggestion to look into the future and predict.

Not even the publishers can do that.

Certainly not the venerable Simon & Schuster.

The publisher paid $750,000 for a manuscript back when Joe Paterno was on track to be a legend in college football coaching.

On went the process, from acquisition to final review, all typos corrected. Joe Posnanski had a last chance to verify his content, approve the cover art, and read the flap copy that the marketing department prepared.

And while all this expensive work was in motion, one of the assistant coaches at Penn State was charged with child molestation.
 
The Grand Experiment, Joe Posnanski's biography of Joe Paterno, was quickly renamed. It would be, simply, Paterno. The release date of the book was shifted from Father's Day 2013 to early August of 2012.

Already, the bean counters could see that a manuscript purchased under one set of assumptions was going to sink under unexpected revelations. What else could be done but to get the book laid down before former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky went to trial and the atmosphere became even more negative?


The printing presses were running as allegations against Joe Paterno trickled out.

Yesterday, officials at Penn State had the statue of Joe Paterno removed from its place of honor and put into storage.

Mr. Posnanski's book, already on its way, cannot be sent back for a re-write. It's too late for the author to edit his manuscript, to add a final chapter about the failings of a man the author was lauding. To erase some of the more positive phrases and harden the overall tone.

The book will come out quietly, with book tour appearances getting cancelled and some stores refusing to carry the book at all.

While Simon & Schuster bemoans the strange twists of fate that will cut into the bottom line, the author can only curse the Fates. His work will be ignored, criticized or mocked, and when he started writing, Joe Paterno was a legend, in his final season as coach at Penn State, and on track to post the most wins in the sport.

Now that the book is ready to be released, Paterno is toxic. All the hard work that went into the writing and research is not going to be rewarded because every reviewer will be compelled to note that Joe Paterno did nothing while little boys were being molested by one of his coaches but the author failed to heap scorn. So the book, therefore, is no good.

Simon & Schuster will lose money, perhaps $1 million. Joe Posnanski could see his valuable reputation as a reporter tarnished, and all because of unfortunate timing.

Back To The Other Side

From time to time, someone in publishing decides to become a literary agent.

They have dreams of bringing great books to the public, but as publishers they didn't feel they were getting all those great books. Stories worth telling weren't being told, because literary agents weren't querying the book that would be Caldecott worthy..

So they became agents, working directly with the writers who had those stories and wanted to tell them.

Then the newly minted literary agent discovered that their former colleagues in publishing didn't agree with them as to what constituted a manuscript worth buying. What the agent fell in love with didn't meet the acquisitions editor's desires.

And so, from time to time, someone who left publishing for agenting goes back to the other side, to be the one to buy the manuscripts and try, once again, to realize their dreams.

Writers House is saying good-bye to Kenneth Wright, who used to be in publishing and is going back.

He represented children's books as an agent, and he's going to be a vice president at Viking Children's division.

When he was a literary agent, did he try to sell a manuscript that he was sure was the next Ludwig Bemelmans or Robert McCloskey, only to have the manuscript rejected?

Is he returning to publishing because he has an idea of how to do things better than what's being done now?

Mr. Wright will start in at the end of August, searching through manuscripts delivered by literary agents who hope he'll fall in love with a story the way they did.

With several years of agenting under his belt, he'll have a very good understanding of what that love is like.

Unfortunately, if you were thinking of sending him a query letter, it's too late. He's going back to the other side and the only way he'll consider your manuscript is if a literary agent queries him. Perhaps Tracey Adams would be interested?