Wednesday, April 30, 2014

The Flamingo As A Predictor Of Health

I'm gonna live forever....
If you are middle-aged, you are probably wondering when you are going to die.

Don't feel embarrassed. You've reached the point where you know you are on the down slope of life, that you've gone beyond the halfway point, and it would be nice to have some rough idea of how much longer you have. There's that bucket list to be completed, after all, and perhaps a trip back to the Auld Sod to see the ancient homeland.

Can you stand like a flamingo?

If so, you will live. If not, you're about to die.

That's my interpretation of the latest results from some testing done by real doctors in search of a decent answer for their middle-aged patients asking about the old life expectancy. We can assume that the test subjects were all sober, because everyone knows that standing on one leg is also a test of sobriety as performed by a member of An Garda Siochana (or your local law enforcement service).

Stand on one leg and close your eyes. Can you hold the position for at least three seconds without toppling? If yes, then you've got over thirteen years of life remaining. If no, start making funeral arrangements. Odds are, you'll be dead before those thirteen years are up.

There's also the getting up from a chair and sitting down again repeatedly test, which we all know the average mother with small children can perform for hours on end. But after said mother has become a grandmother, can she still do it with enough grace to pass the test? Her doctor may one day soon have her up and down in the office as a means of determining health, a predictor that adds to the arsenal of blood work and basic tests. Those who fail will be judged as at risk, with further testing and medications to follow.

Things a bit dull at the office? Encourage your fellow employees to try the flamingo test and see how many of them will still be working in thirteen years time. Maybe you could target the weaker ones in your quest to reach a corner office. It's survival of the fittest, after all, and the lions don't go after the strongest in the gazelle herd, do they?

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