Happy Now, You Great Cow? or, A Message From Chip Wilson

You there, with your enormous arse, are you happy now? I've resigned my post and I won't be heading Lululemon anymore. Satisfied?

The yoga pants weren't made for you, but who am I to stop you from committing a fashion sin? The board of directors wouldn't try to limit purchases of our lovely yoga pants to those with the body to carry them off. They are all about the profit, you see, and if some cow trots in to a shop and buys a pair she can just barely squeeze in to, it's money in the bank.

When your oversized and lard-filled buttocks stretched the fabric beyond normal limits you complained that the fabric was too sheer. It was your own fault, for spreading it until it was like tissue paper. And your fat thighs rubbing together made the fabric pill. The pants were not designed to endure that much friction, for feck's sake.

All I did was state the facts and the next thing I know, there's outrage from the oversized. Listen, just because the pants have stretch built in doesn't made the pants stretch to fit your body. The stretch is there for thin women doing yoga, not for a tub of lard bending a knee to walk a dog to the nearest chipper for a snack of curry chips to tide her over for the walk back home.

I was simply being honest with you. Someone has to tell you how bad you look in Lululemon yoga pants, and suggest that you not wear them out in public. If you'd seen my comment in the light it was given, you'd be thanking me for sparing the rest of the world the sight of your enormous arse jiggling down the public right-of-way, every roll of fat and lump of cellulite accentuated.

For that, I have been hounded out of my job, so I hope you're satisfied. The pants aren't going to get any less sheer just because I'm gone. It's up to you to lose a few stone, and then you'll understand why Lululemon pants are all the rage in the tonier districts, where the women are model thin because they can afford to be.

Aspire to that, and don't think an outfit that costs a small fortune is going to do it for you. Instead of yoga, why not try something a bit more strenous, and wear sweatpants. Or a burqa. Cover up until you've met Lululemon standards for body type.