The Rhythm Method

In a move that will bring down the wrath of Ireland's bishops, Minister for the Environment John Gormley has not condemned the suggested use of artificial contraception. Years of religious education and it's all forgotten, the Church's teachings abandoned in a bid to control the immigrant population.

Ireland is being over-run by grey squirrels, those foreign invaders who have made themselves at home, and at the expense of the native red squirrels. Something has to be done, clearly, or the Irish species will be wiped out. Mr. Gormley is keen to preserve the reds, and he is ready to work with his colleagues in the north to craft a workable solution.

The only way to save the red squirrel is through an all-island initiative, but one proposed solution is not in keeping with Catholic beliefs. Artificial contraception is essentially forbidden, and putting grey squirrels on the Pill would be tantamount to a sin of some sort.

It has been suggested that the grey squirrels be poisoned with warfarin, but the use of deadly chemicals is banned in Northern Ireland. Greys might also be shot but hunting is not popular with members of the Green Party. Trapping could be effective, but once caught, there is no place to send the pesky varmints but to their death, and again, such a plan would prove unpopular.

To find the best way to deal with the overabundance of greys, local squirrel groups may be established to observe and monitor the reds, encouraging them to be fruitful and multiply. The most basic method to beat the greys is via reproduction. Such a concept worked well for Sinn Fein in the north, where the Catholic population has steadily increased since the partition. In addition, a red squirrel action plan steering group could be set up to spread research money around, all in an effort to boost the red population.

The Republic of Ireland must maintain their Catholic ethos and find a grey squirrel behavior expert, in the hopes that someone could instruct the immigrant rodents in the Church approved rhythm method, thereby regulating the population through natural means. Grey squirrels in the north would, of course, find artificial contraception readily available at their local chemist's.