Are You Ready For The Rapture?

What are you doing this Saturday? Most of us will be at the pub, as per usual. Some of you might be waiting to ascend into heaven.

According to calculations, there's to be a massive earthquake at 6 pm Pacific Time in San Francisco, California.

I suppose I'll be stumbling home at around that time. Perhaps I should carry a few extra bottles to share with the heavenly hosts in the event that I find myself riding on the backs of the cherubim (see illustration).

Local preacher Harold Camping is on his second round of predicting the end of the world. Apparently he's skipped over the section in the Bible where Jesus says we'll not know the time or place of his Second Coming. The Reverend must be more in tune than the Lord God Himself, so.

There you are, cavorting in heaven, and your loved ones don't know where you've gone to. How's a person to enjoy Heaven under those conditions?

Wouldn't you know it, but someone's come up with a service that will allow you to e-mail your near and dear lost souls, for a price.

No, You've Been Left Behind hasn't hired on my mates from the local to manage things after the good Christians have ascended. Should their people fail to log in on a regular basis after Saturday's predicted Rapture, the system automatically triggers and the e-mails fly through cyberspace.

Should the Rapture fail to materialize, you can just send in another $14.95 for the next year, and rest assured that the sinners will be informed of your whereabouts should God spring the Rapture unannounced.

Even if you believe that all dogs go to heaven, they're not on the passenger manifest. Thank God for the atheists, who will care for your earth-bound pet after you've gone on to your reward.

Who's going to maintain the blogs and websites of the saved? I smell a money-making venture.