Throwing His Turban Into The Ring

In a bold move, Osama bin Laden has started a third party candidacy for President of the United States, choosing to declare his intentions to run after the Republican and Democratic debates. Fred Thompson is not the only clever one, it would seem.

A complete make-over was much in evidence, demonstrating an attempt to appeal to the young. Mr. bin Laden may also be hoping to attract corporate sponsorship from the makers of Grecian Formula for Beards and Moustaches, although he stopped short of a full face lift. Americans will, of course, excuse small displays of male vanity, and the wise candidate has not gone too far in his attempts to appear more youthful and energetic.

Trumpeting his own fundamentalism, the would-be president is unquestionably hoping to attract the right wing Christians to his fold. Mr. bin Laden has called on all Americans to convert to his party, and he was not hesitant to make frequent references to God, or Allah in the original Arabic.

At the same time, the candidate reached out to the anti-war crowd, promising to end the war in Iraq if he were to gain office. In a swipe at Republicans and the sitting President, bin Laden was quick to point out what he described as failures, although he could not find anything fresh and merely repeated many of the Democratic Party talking points.

Not to be confused with the Democrats, however, Mr. bin Laden took them to task as well, citing their failures in government. Like the Republicans, he cited party rhetoric that was all promises and no action once the Democrats took control of Congress. He may be recycling their attacks, but make no mistake, he does not plan to be confused with the current majority party.

Left-wingers have something to vote for this time around, according to the newly announced candidate. Siding with the Euro-socialists, bin Laden came down hard on capitalism and multinational corporations. Pundits have determined that he is attempting to woo members of the European Union, in the hope that they might influence the American electorate. One cannot help but be reminded that the United States is held in low regard in Europe, and Mr. bin Laden's attack on capitalism is a clear indication of his Eurocentric platform.

Granted, he has put a lot on his plate, but there was room for one more item that is sure to appeal to every voter, red state or blue state, Republican or Democrat. Preaching tax reform, Mr. bin Laden is channeling Steve Forbes in a call for a flat tax of 2.5%, coupled with the elimination of all the breaks and loopholes that have made the American tax system so highly complex. Add to that the elimination of mortgage interest, and bin Laden is definitely a candidate to be taken seriously.

In trying to be all things to all voters, however, he risks alienating multiple segments of the voting public, and his past record could prove to be problematic with working women, the so-called 'soccer moms'. No word yet on the size of his war chest, but there are creditable rumors that claim the newest presidential candidate has the financial backing of wealthy Saudis who would like to pay him off to leave them alone.