The Pain Of A Bruised Ego

It isn't that Gregory Heller was driving while drunk.

It isn't that he ran a red light and thought he could outrun the law that was hot on his tail.

No, the most painful injury he inflicted on himself was trying to flee the police on...a moped.

Ciao, copper!

Not the most manly of vehicles, a moped. A guy wants to be riding a Harley, at least, along the streets of Chicago. But to be apprehended after falling off your moped is an agonizing bruise to a man's ego.

Mr. Heller was out and about on a fine Saturday afternoon. He was going somewhere on his fuel-efficient little scooter when he failed to recognize that the light was red. He kept going. Once those little motors gain some momentum, you'd hate to stop and then have to coax it back up to its maximum speed of somewhere approaching 38 miles per hour.

As bad luck would have it, he ran the red in clear view of a police officer, who promptly gave chase.

Rather than stop, knowing he was under the influence, Mr. Heller thought his mighty hog...more of a piglet, actually...could go faster than a squad car. Or it was more maneuverable, at any rate. So he veered off into a parking lot, figuring in his drunken reasoning that he could drive between vehicles and maybe on a sidewalk and elude capture.

A man under the influence has balance issues, unfortunately, and Mr. Heller's attempt at playing the part of 'bad boy' took a wrong turn when his fast-moving motor scooter hit a curb in the parking lot and he was thrown from the seat. In short, he fell off. The policeman easily apprehended him as he re-mounted and tried to gun that fierce beast of a lawnmower engine.

Besides the drunk driving charge he will also face charges of eluding capture and causing a slight injury to a police officer, who probably split a gut laughing at the fool on the girly bike. You can just imagine how Mr. Heller was greeted when the cop brought him into the station for booking.

A man with a moped may not be a man with enough money put aside to afford his bail, but then again, a man arrested for eluding a police officer on a moped would have ample reason to beg, plead, and borrow the cash to get himself out of jail. Maybe if he had been riding that Harley he could bluff his way around the inmate population, but a man who rides a moped? Not so much.

Next time, Mr. Heller, take a Divvy bike. They aren't very butch either, but at least there's a certain cachet amongst the hipsterati.