Thursday, September 07, 2006

Fully Refundable

Random House is going to pay you back. Not that they did anything wrong, mind you, to create this episode of negative cash flow. Don't accuse them of being tricky or sly, and you can get some money out of them.

If you bought James Frey's fictional memoir, the lawyers on both sides have decided that you are entitled to a full refund of the purchase price. Fraud and deception are not smiled upon in legal circles, and since Random House promoted the book as fact, well, um, actually, it's not quite factual and they didn't do it on purpose. Mr. Frey is in on the refunds as well, but no one has said how much of the multimillion dollar settlement is coming out of his pocket.

As long as you bought the book before Jimmy confessed, on or about January 26, you're an interested party in this affair. Nothing is definite, of course, until the judge approves the plan as set forth by the attorneys.

Naturally, Frey's lawyer claims that the litigants had weak cases, but everyone wants to move on, blah blah blah. Speaking of fiction....

You will have to prove that you made a purchase, of course. The courtroom is strictly non-fiction. Not only will you have to submit the receipt, you'll have to rip off the cover and turn that in as well. But wait, there's more. Here's the most ironic part of all. After you have turned in your receipt and the cover, or a piece of the wrapper if you had an audio book, you have to sign a sworn statement.

"Oh, Christ, swear to Jesus, Your Honor. I bought the book because I thought it was a memoir. No, didn't buy it because everyone else was. Oprah's stamp of approval had nothing whatsoever to do with my decision. I was standing there at the book shop, browsing the memoir section. Love memoirs, I do, honest to God. I'd swear it on a stack of Bibles.

Of course I'm not lying, Your Honor. It's the truth. Not a word of fiction there at all, at all."

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